1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:04,570
[energetic music]

2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

3
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:09,208
♪  ♪

4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

5
00:00:09,309 --> 00:00:12,311
[cheers and applause]

6
00:00:13,613 --> 00:00:22,621
- El Paso, Texas, give it up
for Gabriel Iglesias!

7
00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:29,595
[cheers and applause]

8
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:39,338
♪  ♪

9
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:52,184
- What's up, El Paso?

10
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:55,287
[crowd cheering]

11
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,326
Thank you guys, very very much.

12
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,228
Oh, my God.

13
00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:04,530
Ah, I got chills.
Lookit.

14
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,566
Lookit. Lookit. Lookit.
[laughs]

15
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:10,402
Thank you very much.

16
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:12,271
Thank you.

17
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:13,806
Whoo.

18
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:17,709
I missed you too.

19
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:20,012
Sientate, tio; sientate.

20
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,114
Oh, my God.

21
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:23,849
Somebody saw me running.
Correle, gordo.

22
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,751
Correle, correle.

23
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,319
Yeah, I know, friggin'...
[exhales]

24
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,421
[laughs]
Oh, my God, you guys.

25
00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:30,856
I know a lot of you are like,

26
00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:33,625
"What took you so long
to come back to El Paso?"

27
00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:35,627
[crowd cheering]

28
00:01:35,728 --> 00:01:38,764
I don't have a good excuse,
but I hope this makes up for it.

29
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:41,867
[crowd cheering]

30
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:48,474
Man, I have some history
in this town.

31
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,610
Been coming here
since July of 1 997.

32
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:53,312
[crowd hooting]
Yeah.

33
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:55,447
Used to perform on the west side
of town

34
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,082
over at Bart Reed's
Comic Strip.

35
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:59,551
[crowd cheering]

36
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:02,421
I was here on my 21st birthday.

37
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,423
I'll never forget.

38
00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:07,559
Never forget it.

39
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:10,562
And that's the last time
I drank in El Paso.

40
00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:11,897
Uh-huh.

41
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:14,199
You guys don't mess around.
It was my birthday.

42
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,034
I'm hanging out at the club,
and they're like,

43
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,102
"It's your birthday."

44
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:18,604
I'm like, "It's my birthday."

45
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:21,140
"You want a drink?"
"Sure."

46
00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:23,809
So I started drinking
and drinking and drinking.

47
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,145
And then the staff was like,
"Do you want to party?"

48
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:29,214
I was like...
[slurring] "I wanna party."

49
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,884
"You want to dance?"
"I wanna dance."

50
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,754
I passed out, and I woke up
at someplace called the O.P.

51
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:38,857
[laughter and cheers]

52
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,200
Now, see, you guys are clapping

53
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,968
and you're laughing
because you know.

54
00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:51,336
[laughter]

55
00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:54,173
I didn't know it was
an "alternative" night club.

56
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:55,474
I'm from L.A.

57
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:58,043
I thought O.P.
stood for "Orale Pues".

58
00:02:58,144 --> 00:02:59,978
[laughter]

59
00:03:00,079 --> 00:03:02,381
And that is a messed up way
to sober up, you know.

60
00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:03,515
I'm at the club.

61
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:05,951
I'm dancing, you know.
[beat-boxing]

62
00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:10,355
Hey.
[beat-boxing]

63
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:11,957
Hey!

64
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:15,060
[laughter and applause]

65
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:23,802
There was a little guy behind me
going, "Pikachu."

66
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,271
He was like,
"Yo tambien soy Pokemon."

67
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,974
No.
Uh-uh.

68
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,008
But it was kind of crazy.

69
00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:31,877
I was getting checked out
by guys.

70
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:33,011
I was like, "Oh, my God."

71
00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:34,446
And I know they were
checking me out,

72
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:40,752
'cause they were looking at me
like I look at tacos.

73
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:42,054
But then I thought about it.

74
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:45,324
"Oh, my God,
I just turned on a man.

75
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,426
Shoot."

76
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,333
Man, I called my girlfriend.

77
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:58,136
I said, "You better not mess up.
I have options."

78
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,706
Uh-huh.

79
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,841
I have memory.

80
00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:05,177
A few years back, I was doing
a show at the Comic Strip,

81
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:09,081
and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez,
was in town doing a benefit.

82
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,087
He calls up the Comic Strip,
and he says, he says,

83
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,522
"Hey, listen, I'm doing
a benefit up the street.

84
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:19,091
"Y sabes que, vato?

85
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:20,626
"I'm gonna come down there,
and I want to do some shots.

86
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:21,693
Some tequila, some tacos."

87
00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,195
I'm like, "Let's do it."

88
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:24,429
He shows up to the club,
and he says,

89
00:04:24,530 --> 00:04:26,231
"All right, get in the car.
Let's go."

90
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,300
"Where are we going?"
"We're going to Juarez."

91
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:30,035
"Juarez?
Let's eat some tacos here."

92
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:33,905
"I can't afford you here.
Let's go to the other side."

93
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,208
[makes engine noise]

94
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:38,210
So we wind up on the other side,

95
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:39,645
and we wound up
killing some tacos,

96
00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:41,513
and, you know, we wound up
crossing the border.

97
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:44,283
And when we crossed the border,
it was a few months after

98
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:47,019
I taped a bunch
of water commercials here.

99
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,588
You guys remember
the water commercials?

100
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:51,490
Yeah, and then they pulled me
off the advertising

101
00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:52,924
because they said I was too fat
to sell water.

102
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,426
Whatever.

103
00:04:54,527 --> 00:04:57,195
So we're crossing the border,
and Immigration was right there,

104
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,364
and they're checking the cars,
and we're in a blue van.

105
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,733
My buddy Jim, who's sitting
over there, was driving,

106
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,835
and Border Patrol comes
over to the window,

107
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:05,170
and he goes---
he opens the door

108
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:06,672
and he sees me.

109
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:09,408
He goes, "Oh, my God.
It's you. You're hysterical.

110
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:10,642
And I go, "What do you think
of this guy?"

111
00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:12,344
And Paul was like,
"Hey, what's up?"

112
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:13,679
And the guy was like,
"Oh, my God."

113
00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:15,380
So we wound up taking pictures
at the border.

114
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:17,349
And it was so funny,
'cause we're outside the car,

115
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,418
and we're pretending
to be arrested, right?

116
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:21,119
People are driving by going,

117
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:24,156
"Let Paul Rodriguez
and Pikachu go!"

118
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:27,259
They're American!
Let 'em go!"

119
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,896
[laughing]

120
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,865
It was priceless.

121
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:35,634
We crossed the border,
and Paul was like,

122
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,236
"I want to go hang out
and have a good time."

123
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,840
He went to this place
off the 1 0 called Jaguars.

124
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:43,275
[crowd cheers]

125
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:45,844
It's a "male,"
you know, gentleman's club,

126
00:05:45,945 --> 00:05:47,212
whatever you want to call it.

127
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:49,014
So we go in there, and I'm like,
"Oh, my God."

128
00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:50,682
As soon as we walked in,
I'm like---

129
00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,551
I'm thinking Paul's
gonna be all like,

130
00:05:52,652 --> 00:05:54,252
"Shh, I don't want nobody
to know I'm here."

131
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,054
Goes over to the DJ,
and the DJ's like,

132
00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:58,457
"All right, ladies,
look who just walked in:

133
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,292
Paul Rodriguez!"

134
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:02,394
All of a sudden, there's,
like, 32 lap dances

135
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:03,729
that stop like that.

136
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,664
And all these girls,
they bum-rush Paul.

137
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:09,735
And I'm like, "Wow,
I got to get funnier."

138
00:06:12,271 --> 00:06:14,106
So we're hanging out there
for a couple of hours.

139
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,741
So we wind up outside
in the parking lot,

140
00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:17,843
And this girl jumped
into the car, and she's like,

141
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,044
"Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez.

142
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,146
"I love you.
My mama's a huge fan too.

143
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:22,714
Here. Please, please, please."

144
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:25,117
And he, "Whatever, whatever,
okay, come here, come here."

145
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,719
"Here, please,
talk to her on the phone."

146
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,755
"Ora."

147
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:31,590
He looks at me
in the front seat,

148
00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:33,191
and he goes, "Hey, tu, Iglesias.

149
00:06:33,292 --> 00:06:35,527
Here, be me."

150
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,763
He put me on the phone
with the girl's mom.

151
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,698
I'm like, "Hey, senora.
How you doing?

152
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:41,066
"Yeah, you know, uh...

153
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:42,634
"your daughter,
she's a real angel.

154
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,070
Yeah. That's what
they call her here."

155
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,305
[audience laughing]

156
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:50,909
Yeah, man, I love Paul.

157
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,377
Like I said, Paul's the...
you know,

158
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,446
one of the main reasons
why I got into comedy.

159
00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:56,715
And he used to mess
with me a lot; trust me.

160
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,350
In my last special,
I talked about

161
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:00,118
how I had a Volkswagen Beetle.

162
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:03,221
It was a true story.
I really had a Beetle.

163
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:06,124
And I got rid of it because
I got tired of the fat jokes.

164
00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:08,393
When you're a fluffy guy
and you have a little car

165
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:10,829
and all of your friends
are professional comedians...

166
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,264
oh, they'll make you cry.

167
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,832
Paul, especially.

168
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:16,868
"How the hell did you manage
to squeeze inside of that?

169
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,070
"Hombre, I have never seen
a car expand before

170
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,472
"while someone was inside of it.

171
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,541
"How do you get a stretch mark
on the windshield?

172
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:23,875
"That's what I want to know.

173
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:26,411
When you fart,
does it go faster?"

174
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,480
One after another after another.

175
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,348
I'm like, "Oh, my God."

176
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,118
And you know what it is?
It's Karma.

177
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:34,686
'Cause ten years ago,

178
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,689
I did a joke
about Paul Rodriguez on TV.

179
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,191
I used to be on a show

180
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,159
on the Nickelodeon Network
called AII That.

181
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:43,228
Some of you remember?
Yeah?

182
00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:44,863
That was me, a lot smaller.

183
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:46,097
I was only two X's.

184
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,300
I was a dos equis.
Yeah.

185
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,536
Anyway, as soon as the TV show
season was over,

186
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,238
they gave all
the cast members gifts.

187
00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:56,174
They gave this one girl a TV,
this one kid a DVD collection.

188
00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:58,810
Since I was the only one
who had his own car,

189
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:02,447
they gave me a car alarm
with a remote start to it.

190
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:05,183
A lot of cars have those now,
but think back ten years ago.

191
00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:06,818
There was only a few
that had the...

192
00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:09,955
[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

193
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:11,756
My friends went,
"Where'd you get that?"

194
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,494
I looked at them, and I said...
"Nickelodeon!"

195
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:16,628
"That's bad!"

196
00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:18,063
I go to show it off
to everybody.

197
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,131
I show it to my mom, I said,
"Mom, go to the car.

198
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,000
I got to use the bathroom.
I left you a present."

199
00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,068
[gasps]
"Un present, okay!"

200
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,302
So she goes to the car,

201
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:26,338
and I started the car
from the kitchen.

202
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,406
[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

203
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,709
" El diablo! El diablo!

204
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:32,511
El diablo!"

205
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:33,812
I had to run outside.

206
00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:34,980
"Mom, it's not the devil.

207
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,481
Lookit, lookit, lookit."

208
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:39,417
[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

209
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,852
"Nickelodeon!"

210
00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:42,587
"Oh, my God, mijo.

211
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:43,889
Oh, my God, you scared me."

212
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,624
Me sacastes un pedo, mijo.

213
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:47,259
"Oh, my God, mira.
Smell, smell, smell.

214
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,593
Smell, mijo, smell. "

215
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:53,798
I wind up doing a show
in Hollywood at a comedy club,

216
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,535
and I'm working with my idol,
with Paul Rodriguez.

217
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,603
Soon as the show was over,
we go---you know,

218
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,872
we're walking out the door,
and he walks up to me

219
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:04,075
and he says, "You know, I like
the whole fluffy thing you do.

220
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:05,810
"It's catchy. Sounds cute.

221
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,913
Keep eating."

222
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:11,049
We walk outside, and my car
is parked there first

223
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:12,651
because I showed up late.

224
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,253
So I'm---you know, my car's
right there and Paul walks by.

225
00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:16,288
"All right, take it easy."

226
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,023
He walks right in front
of my car.

227
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:21,226
And my friend goes,
"Dude, show him your car.

228
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,028
Show him Nickelodeon."

229
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:25,063
And I couldn't help it,
you know, freakin'...

230
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,265
[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

231
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:28,500
"Hey! Hijole!"

232
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,468
What the hell? What is this?"

233
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,670
"Paul!"

234
00:09:32,705 --> 00:09:34,139
"Nickelodeon!"

235
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,509
"Hombre, cabron pinche, Fluffy,
you gave me a heart attack.

236
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,544
You take it easy."

237
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:42,380
Valet brings his car around,
a brand-new Porsche 91 1.

238
00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:44,149
The car was nice.

239
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,418
You know, it pulls up.
[imitates roaring engine]

240
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,453
Valet gives him the keys.

241
00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:49,955
He turns around and looks at me.

242
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,590
"Hey, tu, Fluffy.

243
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,058
Check it out."

244
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,894
I'm like, "Whatever.
It's not Nickelodeon."

245
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,529
[imitates car alarm beeping]

246
00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:59,631
The door pops open.

247
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,933
[imitates whirring, beeping]

248
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,001
Trunk.

249
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,269
[imitates whirring]

250
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:07,172
"I'm not through yet."

251
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:11,142
[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

252
00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:14,245
[imitates engine revving]

253
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,651
[imitates car horn
playing "La Cucaracha"]

254
00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:21,953
[imitates beeping]

255
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:23,788
"HBO."

256
00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:26,324
[laughing and cheering]

257
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:36,034
A lot has changed, El Paso.

258
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,435
A lot has changed.

259
00:10:37,536 --> 00:10:40,739
One thing's for sure;
I'm still the fluffy guy.

260
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,941
[cheering]

261
00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:49,514
And I say "fluffy" 'cause that
is the politically correct term.

262
00:10:49,615 --> 00:10:51,216
For those of you
that don't remember,

263
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:55,587
I used to say that there
were five levels of fatness.

264
00:10:55,688 --> 00:11:00,925
Reason why I say "used to say"
is because now there are six.

265
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:05,063
Uh-huh. I met the new one
in Las Cruces.

266
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,500
The original five levels
are big, healthy,

267
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,703
husky, fluffy and damn!

268
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:14,706
People ask, "What could
be bigger than damn?"

269
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:15,940
The new level's called,

270
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,942
"Oh, hell, no!"

271
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,045
[laughter, applause]

272
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,052
What's the difference?

273
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:30,055
You're still willing to work
with level five.

274
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:31,690
Example: If you're
on an elevator

275
00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:34,125
and you're with your friend,
and this really big guy gets on

276
00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:35,827
and you and your friend look
at each other,

277
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:37,896
and you're like, "Damn!"

278
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:41,533
But you still let the big guy
ride your elevator.

279
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,168
That's the difference.

280
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:46,237
Level six, you see walking
towards your elevator.

281
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:48,339
[deep grunting]

282
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,344
"Oh, hell, no!"

283
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,345
[rumbling]

284
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,346
"No!"

285
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:56,748
[rumbling]

286
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:57,916
"No!

287
00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,017
No!"

288
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,687
That's the difference.

289
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:06,324
The guy that I met
was 6"8', 614 pounds.

290
00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:10,028
[audience gasping]
Uh-huh, "Aw, hell, no."

291
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:12,263
And he was offended at my show,

292
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:14,532
not by anything that I said
but because of the fact

293
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,736
that now, at the shows,
I started selling T-shirts,

294
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:22,307
and, apparently,
I didn't have his size.

295
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,877
Keep in mind, I go all the way
up to 5X on the T-shirts,

296
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:27,212
and he was like...

297
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,681
[in deep, raspy voice]
"You don't have my size."

298
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:31,783
I was like, "Dude,
I didn't know they made you."

299
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:32,884
[laughter]

300
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:40,759
I have up to 5X,
I don't have [growls] "X"

301
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:42,861
with a picture of a dinosaur
on the back of the tag,

302
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:45,530
you know.

303
00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:47,532
No.

304
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:50,201
And by the way, you guys,
I want to let you know now

305
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:52,537
here in this theater
and all over the world,

306
00:12:52,638 --> 00:12:55,039
wherever anybody's watching
this special,

307
00:12:55,141 --> 00:12:59,410
if you ever see me in public,

308
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,281
either at a restaurant
or at a hotel or anywhere,

309
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,216
and you want to stop me
and say hello

310
00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,418
or take a picture or anything,
please.

311
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,188
I welcome it and it's an honor
if you were to do that.

312
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:12,590
I do not mind at all.

313
00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:14,425
[cheering and applause]

314
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:17,195
Stop me anytime you want.

315
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,765
I'm the same person.

316
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:25,737
The same guy.

317
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:30,141
Thank you.
Seriously,

318
00:13:30,242 --> 00:13:32,410
the same guy you see now is
the same guy you'd see outside.

319
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:34,012
I don't change, you know.

320
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:36,381
You're not gonna walk up and go,
"Gabriel, can I talk to you?"

321
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,017
I'm not going to be like,
"Be gone from me.

322
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:41,486
"Gabriel is my stage name.

323
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:44,455
I'm not even Mexican;
I'm Scandinavian."

324
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,492
No, trust me, I'm the same
pendejo you'll see outside.

325
00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:48,493
I don't mind.

326
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:49,761
I love it, you guys, trust me.

327
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:50,762
You guys make it possible

328
00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:52,363
for me to have
an incredible life

329
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:54,899
and take care of my family,
so I'm all for it.

330
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,100
Not a problem.

331
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,101
Trust me,

332
00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:58,636
right now it's so crazy

333
00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:01,139
'cause I'm still adjusting
to people walking up to me.

334
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,107
I'm checking into the hotel,

335
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,776
and they already knew me,
which was crazy.

336
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:06,110
I go like,
"Uh, hi, I'm checking in."

337
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:07,111
"Here's your key, sir."

338
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,113
"But, um, um..."

339
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:10,815
"We know it's you, sir."

340
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:11,816
I'm like, "Ah!"

341
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,918
[laughs]

342
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:17,355
You know,
I think that's awesome.

343
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:19,891
I needed that,
like, six years ago.

344
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:22,227
One time, I was trying
to check into a hotel

345
00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:24,796
in Chicago
at 1:00 in the morning

346
00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:26,497
because I missed my flight.

347
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:29,500
Nobody's at the front desk,
just the little bell

348
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:32,203
and a sign that said
"Ring for service."

349
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:33,304
So there I am.

350
00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:35,406
Ching.

351
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:37,709
Ching, ching.

352
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,143
Ching.

353
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,346
Ching, ching, ching, ching,
ching, ching, ching.

354
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,815
Ching, ching.

355
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:46,284
Ching, ching,
ching, ching, ching.

356
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,319
All of a sudden, I heard this.

357
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:50,288
"I hear the bell."

358
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,061
All of a sudden,
this lady came out.

359
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,734
[exhales]

360
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:06,070
"Are you the one ringing
that damn bell?

361
00:15:06,171 --> 00:15:07,372
What the hell you want?"

362
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:08,773
"Um, I'm checking in."

363
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:12,777
"You know what time it is?
It's tomorrow."

364
00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:14,045
"I know, I missed my flight."

365
00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,047
"Mm-hmm, whatever you say."

366
00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:17,081
[exhales]

367
00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:18,182
"What's going on out there?"

368
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,417
"Girl, you got to see this.

369
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:23,054
"I got a big-ass Mexican
showing up late as hell.

370
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:26,524
Okay."

371
00:15:26,625 --> 00:15:27,525
[imitates typing]

372
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:30,161
"What's your name?"

373
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,063
"My name is Gabriel Iglesias."

374
00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:33,197
'"E'-glesias?"

375
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,432
"Yes, Iglesias."

376
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:37,602
"Okay, 'E'-glesias,
okay, E-G-L-I..."

377
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:40,672
"No, no, no, no,
it's Iglesias with an 'I."'

378
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,006
"With an 'I'?

379
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,575
"But you said 'E'...glesias.

380
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:45,910
"You didn't say 'I'-glesias.

381
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:48,212
You said 'E'...glesias."

382
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:49,747
"It's Iglesias with an 'I."'

383
00:15:49,848 --> 00:15:51,983
"Mm-hmm, whatever you say.
It's your damn name.

384
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:53,184
"Okay?

385
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,720
Mr. Iglesias with an 'I."'

386
00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:56,754
[exhales]

387
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:57,956
"You know, that's bad for you."

388
00:15:58,057 --> 00:15:59,090
"Oh, this right here?

389
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:00,892
My grandmamma lived to be
1 00 years old."

390
00:16:00,993 --> 00:16:02,026
"Smoking?"

391
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,395
"Minding her own damn business.
Okay?

392
00:16:04,496 --> 00:16:06,864
"Mr. Iglesias with an 'I.'

393
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,634
"Okay, I found you
in the system.

394
00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:12,136
I got you for two nights,
full-size bed, non-smoking."

395
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:14,372
"I requested a queen-size bed."

396
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:15,807
"And you would have got a queen

397
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,608
"if you'd have been here
yesterday,

398
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,912
"but it's tomorrow and you're
lucky I'm talking to you,

399
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,581
"Mr. Iglesias with an 'I.'

400
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,617
What's the 'I' stand for---
'I need a bigger bed'?"

401
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,821
"What's going on out there?"

402
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,089
"Girl, you got to see this.

403
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:34,092
Nacho Libre is trippin'."

404
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:38,563
"Whatever.

405
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,765
Give me a hard time."

406
00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:42,233
A lot has changed, though, man.

407
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,702
For those of you that don't know
by now, I finally became a dad.

408
00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:47,939
[cheering and applause]
Yeah.

409
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,174
Thank you.

410
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:51,943
Hell, yeah.

411
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:54,112
He's ten.
[laughing]

412
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:56,080
Surprised me too.

413
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,016
Yeah, they found me.

414
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,250
And it's not what you think.

415
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,252
I didn't discover
that I had a lost child.

416
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,554
It's just that I hooked up
with a beautiful woman

417
00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:06,157
who had a pre-started family,

418
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:07,825
so basically I became
a stepfather.

419
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:10,628
You know, I just took over
the payments.

420
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:15,033
Best part for me is that my
new son looks exactly like me.

421
00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:16,534
He's fluffy too.

422
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:17,602
[cheering and applause]

423
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:21,072
Ten years old, 1 62 pounds.

424
00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:22,974
Yeah, he's a little---
damn.

425
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,242
[laughter]

426
00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:25,376
And he's the cutest kid.

427
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:26,944
You talk to him---
his name is Frankie---

428
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,646
like, "Frankie,
what do you like to do?"

429
00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:32,617
"I like microwave burritos
and PlayStation."

430
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,552
"Me too."

431
00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:38,256
Only problem is he wakes up
early, 5:00 every morning.

432
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,290
[knocking]

433
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:40,958
[in squeaky voice]
"Gabriel."

434
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,360
"What?"

435
00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:43,961
"I'm hungry."

436
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,864
"Me too.
Make something."

437
00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:48,466
And he does.

438
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,401
I can hear him in the kitchen
making Hot Pockets,

439
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:53,438
you know, freaking---
[beeping]

440
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:55,740
[whirring]

441
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,075
[beeps]

442
00:17:57,176 --> 00:17:58,743
And he opens the door
and doesn't close it,

443
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,745
and the whole house freaking---
[sniffs]

444
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:03,081
[moans, laughs]

445
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:04,282
♪ Hot Pocket  ♪

446
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:06,751
Delicious, oh.

447
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,154
Oh, my God,

448
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,990
and he's so cute because right
now he's going through puberty,

449
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,026
and I think it's hysterical.

450
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,194
His mom doesn't think so.

451
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:18,429
She's like, "No."
I go, "Yeah,

452
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:19,664
I caught him
checking out a girl."

453
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,665
"How do you know?"

454
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,567
"I was looking at her too."

455
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,336
She was hot!

456
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,338
And I told my girl, I said,
"Baby, don't worry.

457
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:29,207
"If he has any questions,
I'll be the man.

458
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,775
I'll take care of it."

459
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,944
'Cause I went through puberty
at ten.

460
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,178
And she's like, "Oh, thank you."

461
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,713
I said, "Don't worry,
I took care of it.

462
00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:37,682
"You know, hey,
I went through puberty at ten.

463
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,083
I understand."

464
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:42,854
Plus, I had cable,
so it was hardcore, you know.

465
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:46,257
You know, what's the difference
now is that now you can program

466
00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:47,425
channels not to work.

467
00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:48,860
You couldn't do that
20 years ago.

468
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,562
You couldn't block a kid
unless you stayed up.

469
00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:54,565
My mom knocked out at 1 0:00,
and right around 1 1:45...

470
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,835
"The following program
has not been rated

471
00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:00,671
"by the Motion Picture
Association of America.

472
00:19:00,772 --> 00:19:03,207
"Due to its graphic
sexual content,

473
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,310
viewer discretion is advised."

474
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:07,879
[shrieks]

475
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:12,316
I was ten years old;
I lost my mind.

476
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:14,185
I'm sitting on that couch;
all of a sudden...

477
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:16,587
[beatboxing sultry music]

478
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,296
[in deep, sexy voice]
"Are you ready?

479
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:30,134
Uh-huh, oh, yeah."

480
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:31,769
[in squeaky voice]
"Yeah."

481
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,337
"Oh, yeah."

482
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:34,572
"Yeah."

483
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:35,573
"Are you ready?"

484
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,375
"I'm done."

485
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,819
And you know what's crazy is,

486
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,454
I know it's happening
at my house now

487
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:52,190
'cause one night I heard...

488
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:54,625
[in squeaky voice]
"Yeah."

489
00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:57,094
[laughs]

490
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,330
"What's he doing?"
"Becoming a man."

491
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:00,598
And I was curious.

492
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,466
I'm like,
"I wonder what he's watching,"

493
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:04,168
so I started flipping
through my channels,

494
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:07,171
trying to find something
that would "spark interest."

495
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:10,041
Sure enough,
he's watching Cinemax.

496
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,410
Uh-huh, and I know
that's what he's watching.

497
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:13,844
That guy's clapping---
hell, yeah.

498
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,447
[laughs]
Cochino--- yeah, I know.

499
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:17,882
I know
that's what he's watching

500
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:20,585
because out of my TV,
I'm getting direct sound,

501
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,019
and then I'm getting, like,

502
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,988
a little delayed echo
down the hall.

503
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:26,023
You know, so it's like...
[moaning]

504
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:27,959
[distant moan]

505
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,293
[in deep, sexy voice]
"Yeah."

506
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,761
[distantly]
"Yeah."

507
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:33,130
[moaning echoes]

508
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,265
[in man's voice]
"Yeah."

509
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:35,900
[in squeaky voice]
"Yeah."

510
00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:44,976
I saw him the next morning.

511
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,577
I said, "What were you doing
last night?"

512
00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:47,912
"I was playing Nintendo."

513
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:48,980
"Yeah, whatever.

514
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:52,049
You were playing 'whee'."

515
00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:54,051
And now he's like...

516
00:20:54,152 --> 00:20:55,486
[sighs]

517
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,321
Uh-huh, whatever, dude.

518
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,489
Anyway, I know
I'm sweating up here.

519
00:20:58,590 --> 00:20:59,724
The whole front row---
you guys are like,

520
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,627
"It smells like carnitas.

521
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:05,930
He smells delicious."

522
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:07,965
Oh, big guys,
I don't know what it is.

523
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:10,534
When we get hot,
we smell like food.

524
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,103
We should have
our own cologne, huh?

525
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:15,106
"From the makers
of Tres Leches..."

526
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:16,274
[spraying]

527
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:19,610
"What's that smell?"
"Taco."

528
00:21:19,711 --> 00:21:21,345
I'm a dork, I know.

529
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:22,913
People ask me about the voices
all the time.

530
00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:24,315
They're like,

531
00:21:24,416 --> 00:21:25,716
"Do you do that just on stage,

532
00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:27,351
or do you do that
in public too?"

533
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,120
Like, no, of course
I do the voices in public.

534
00:21:29,221 --> 00:21:31,489
I have to make myself laugh.

535
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:32,923
You know,
I like doing the voices

536
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:35,893
in places
where people can't see me.

537
00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:38,296
Like drive-throughs.

538
00:21:38,397 --> 00:21:39,764
Oh, I'm evil
at a drive-through, man,

539
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:42,300
except the one by my house
'cause they know me.

540
00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:44,101
I mean, they really know me.

541
00:21:44,202 --> 00:21:45,536
I could show up
at 2:00 in the morning

542
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:46,937
or 2:00 in the afternoon,
you know.

543
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:48,873
[whirring, brakes screeching]
"Welcome to McDonald's.

544
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:49,874
How can I help you?"

545
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,343
"Yeah, let me have..."
"Pull up."

546
00:21:52,444 --> 00:21:54,445
[laughter]

547
00:21:57,082 --> 00:21:58,049
"I didn't order."

548
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,518
"Gabriel, pull up."

549
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:05,356
[cheering]

550
00:22:05,457 --> 00:22:07,825
Whatever.

551
00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:10,861
Other places
I've had fun---IHOP.

552
00:22:10,962 --> 00:22:12,096
Look at some of you---
"IHOP? "

553
00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:13,698
Yeah, let me explain this one.

554
00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:15,800
Next time you go to an IHOP,
look for the podium.

555
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,201
Usually on the weekends,

556
00:22:17,302 --> 00:22:19,337
they'll have the podium set up
right at the front door,

557
00:22:19,438 --> 00:22:21,939
and when you walk in, they'll
have a host and they'll ask you,

558
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,274
"How many in your party?"

559
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:25,409
And you tell them two, three,
four, whatever the case,

560
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:26,944
and then when it's time
for your seats,

561
00:22:27,045 --> 00:22:28,546
they'll call you
with the little freaking---

562
00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:29,680
you know,
they got the microphone

563
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,482
on the side of the wall,
and they'll go,

564
00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:35,519
"Paging party of four, paging
party of four, now serving."

565
00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:38,222
When that party walked away,
I grabbed her microphone

566
00:22:38,323 --> 00:22:41,125
and I said,
"Paging Mexican party of 47,

567
00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:44,595
Mexican party of 47,
now serving."

568
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,665
And the whole restaurant
was like...

569
00:22:50,302 --> 00:22:51,869
All the guys in the kitchen.

570
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,772
" Orale guey!"

571
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:55,940
Hell, yeah.

572
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,976
I love IHOP.
I go too much, you guys.

573
00:22:59,077 --> 00:23:01,645
I was at an IHOP one time
during an earthquake.

574
00:23:01,747 --> 00:23:03,013
Wasn't a big one.

575
00:23:03,115 --> 00:23:05,082
It was enough to feel it,
but not freak out, you know.

576
00:23:05,183 --> 00:23:06,684
I live in California,
so we get 'em a lot.

577
00:23:06,785 --> 00:23:08,452
But if you're not used to that,
you're all...

578
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:09,987
[screaming]
"Earthquake!"

579
00:23:10,088 --> 00:23:13,557
You know, and I'm sitting there.
I just rode it out, you know.

580
00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:15,659
[laughter, applause]

581
00:23:24,336 --> 00:23:27,271
[laughter, cheering, whistling]

582
00:23:31,276 --> 00:23:33,177
[sighs]

583
00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:34,412
Freaking earthquakes, man.

584
00:23:34,513 --> 00:23:36,414
You gotta choose which one
you want, you know.

585
00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:37,915
Do you want earthquakes,
tornados,

586
00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:39,417
hurricanes, fires, floods?

587
00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:40,751
I live in California.

588
00:23:40,852 --> 00:23:42,186
I'll take the earthquakes.

589
00:23:42,287 --> 00:23:43,487
You could sleep through 'em.

590
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:45,089
You know, and then
whenever they happen,

591
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:46,657
you never believe
it's an earthquake.

592
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,926
You're like, "Is that
an earthquake or a big truck?"

593
00:23:49,027 --> 00:23:51,662
Seriously, you'll be like...
[groaning]

594
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:54,698
[mimicking truck horn]
[screams]

595
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,367
[laughing]

596
00:23:56,468 --> 00:23:58,369
Smell, smell, smell, smell.

597
00:23:58,470 --> 00:24:00,371
[laughing]

598
00:24:00,472 --> 00:24:02,473
[sighs]

599
00:24:03,575 --> 00:24:05,209
But, seriously,
you can go to work

600
00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:07,645
and people are talking about how
they were sleeping, you know.

601
00:24:07,746 --> 00:24:08,779
"Did you feel that tremor
last night?"

602
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,614
[yawning]

603
00:24:10,715 --> 00:24:13,117
You can't sleep through
a tornado or a hurricane.

604
00:24:13,218 --> 00:24:15,186
And I said that down South,
and people were like,

605
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,220
"Yeah, you can."

606
00:24:16,321 --> 00:24:18,722
I said, "Not if it hits
your house."

607
00:24:18,824 --> 00:24:20,391
I've never seen that interview,
you know.

608
00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:22,426
"Sir, what happened
to your home?"

609
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:24,495
[in Southern accent]
"I don't know what happened.

610
00:24:24,596 --> 00:24:26,330
"See, I woke up this morning,

611
00:24:26,431 --> 00:24:29,333
"and that son of a bitch
was flipped over.

612
00:24:29,434 --> 00:24:30,501
"It's the darnedest thing.

613
00:24:30,602 --> 00:24:32,002
"You know, I got a truck
in the tree,

614
00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:34,271
"my dog is down the street,
I can't find my wife,

615
00:24:34,372 --> 00:24:37,107
"but that's for a whole nother
reason altogether.

616
00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:38,175
I was asleep."

617
00:24:38,276 --> 00:24:39,210
"Sir, you were asleep?"

618
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:40,478
"Damn right, I was asleep.

619
00:24:40,579 --> 00:24:42,480
"I got me one of them
Tempur-Pedics over there.

620
00:24:42,581 --> 00:24:43,714
"Get 'er done.

621
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:45,216
That's what I'm saying
right there."

622
00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:47,718
[cheering, applause]

623
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:50,721
Whoo!

624
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,090
[whistling]

625
00:24:53,191 --> 00:24:55,092
I love that impression,
you guys.

626
00:24:55,193 --> 00:24:56,193
I love doing that.

627
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:57,628
Every time I do it,
somebody's like,

628
00:24:57,729 --> 00:25:00,097
"Hey, that's the redneck
cable guy."

629
00:25:00,198 --> 00:25:02,233
Mexicans, be careful.

630
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:04,935
'Cause we have rednecks too.

631
00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:06,103
We do.

632
00:25:06,204 --> 00:25:08,739
And they sound exactly
like the white ones.

633
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,741
You guys are real quiet, huh?
You don't believe me?

634
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:12,776
Watch this. White redneck:

635
00:25:12,878 --> 00:25:14,778
"I tell you what."

636
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,013
Mexican redneck:

637
00:25:16,114 --> 00:25:18,048
"Sabes que, guey."

638
00:25:18,149 --> 00:25:20,150
[laughter, applause, cheering]

639
00:25:23,889 --> 00:25:25,789
[whistling]

640
00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,224
Uh-huh.

641
00:25:27,325 --> 00:25:28,893
White redneck:

642
00:25:28,994 --> 00:25:31,061
[imitating banjo]

643
00:25:31,162 --> 00:25:33,564
Mexican redneck--- we put words
and moves to that.

644
00:25:33,665 --> 00:25:35,065
♪ Bailemos con el tuca  ♪

645
00:25:35,166 --> 00:25:36,467
♪ Bailemos con el nazo  ♪

646
00:25:36,568 --> 00:25:39,470
♪ Bailemos con el tuca
tuca tuca tuca  ♪

647
00:25:39,571 --> 00:25:42,039
[cheering, whistling, applause]

648
00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:44,141
[cheers]

649
00:25:44,242 --> 00:25:46,443
Same guy.

650
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:49,480
So be careful, man.

651
00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:51,282
[sighs]

652
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,150
I had to take it easy
with the voices

653
00:25:53,251 --> 00:25:54,385
once I got with my girlfriend.

654
00:25:54,486 --> 00:25:56,053
She, uh---she used to think
it was cute,

655
00:25:56,154 --> 00:25:58,055
but then, you know,
I scared her.

656
00:25:58,156 --> 00:26:00,391
One night we're in the room,
and she's like,

657
00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:02,493
"Ooh, what are you gonna do
to me?"

658
00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:03,894
And I was like,

659
00:26:03,995 --> 00:26:05,796
[in shrill voice]
"You're gonna get it!"

660
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:07,531
[mimicking thumps]

661
00:26:07,632 --> 00:26:09,567
"Stop doing that!"

662
00:26:09,668 --> 00:26:11,068
[mimicking demonic laugh]

663
00:26:11,169 --> 00:26:12,236
Yeah.

664
00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:13,270
We used to role play.

665
00:26:13,371 --> 00:26:14,505
We used to play White House.

666
00:26:14,606 --> 00:26:16,440
Oh, that was so much fun
back in the day.

667
00:26:16,541 --> 00:26:18,342
I'd wake her up at 3:00
in the morning.

668
00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:19,977
She's like, "Who is it?"
I was like...

669
00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,379
[mimicking Bill Clinton]
"You know who it is."

670
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,349
[laughter, cheering, applause]

671
00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:31,088
"Ay, Senor,
I don't speak English."

672
00:26:31,189 --> 00:26:33,090
[mimicking Bill Clinton]
Hell, yeah.

673
00:26:33,191 --> 00:26:34,825
[laughter]

674
00:26:34,926 --> 00:26:37,027
That's about as political
as I get now, you guys.

675
00:26:37,128 --> 00:26:38,329
You know, things change.

676
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:39,863
People ask me,
"Do you get political?"

677
00:26:39,965 --> 00:26:41,031
I'm like, "No, not really,"
you know.

678
00:26:41,132 --> 00:26:42,066
"What's your take on Barack?"

679
00:26:42,167 --> 00:26:43,233
I'm like, "Well, he's, you know,

680
00:26:43,335 --> 00:26:44,802
"he's a lot smarter
than the last one.

681
00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:46,470
That's for sure."

682
00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:47,805
I love his ass, man.

683
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:50,407
[cheering, applause, whistling]

684
00:26:52,510 --> 00:26:55,012
Some people didn't want
Barack in office

685
00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:56,714
only because he was black.

686
00:26:56,815 --> 00:26:58,716
And I'm, like, how retarded---
come on, you guys.

687
00:26:58,817 --> 00:27:00,050
You know, he's Barack.

688
00:27:00,151 --> 00:27:01,819
He's not Snoop Dogg.

689
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,621
You know, it's not like
he's going to come out,

690
00:27:03,722 --> 00:27:04,688
"Ladies and gentlemen,

691
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:06,190
the president
of the United States."

692
00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:08,792
[beatboxing "Hail To The Chief"]

693
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:15,265
♪ Here we go again...  ♪

694
00:27:15,367 --> 00:27:17,801
[beatboxing continues]

695
00:27:17,902 --> 00:27:19,470
"Mr. President, Mr. President."

696
00:27:19,571 --> 00:27:22,506
[mimicking Lil Wayne]
Yeah-ya?

697
00:27:22,607 --> 00:27:24,541
No.

698
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:27,211
Anyways, that's as far
as I'll go with that.

699
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:29,046
"He said he wasn't gonna
get political."

700
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:30,147
Yeah, I know.

701
00:27:30,248 --> 00:27:31,382
Gotta change that up, you guys.

702
00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:33,217
A lot of things are changing.

703
00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:34,251
A lot.

704
00:27:34,352 --> 00:27:35,419
Got the relationship now.

705
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,087
It's going good.
I love my girlfriend.

706
00:27:37,188 --> 00:27:38,522
She's here in the house
tonight too.

707
00:27:38,623 --> 00:27:40,557
[cheering, applause]

708
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,560
It's awesome.

709
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:46,563
We rarely fight.

710
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,298
And I think that's
so freaking cool.

711
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:49,466
And I know why.

712
00:27:49,567 --> 00:27:51,135
It's because I do this
for a living.

713
00:27:51,236 --> 00:27:53,137
Uh-huh, and she knows

714
00:27:53,238 --> 00:27:56,140
whatever we argue about will
eventually end up right here.

715
00:27:56,241 --> 00:27:57,408
[laughter]

716
00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,276
It slows her down.
You ought to see her.

717
00:27:59,377 --> 00:28:00,711
"You know what I think?"

718
00:28:00,812 --> 00:28:02,813
"Go ahead, say it, say it."

719
00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:07,384
Uh-huh.

720
00:28:07,485 --> 00:28:08,852
Yeah.

721
00:28:08,953 --> 00:28:10,320
The only problem I have
with my girl sometimes

722
00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:11,855
are her friends.

723
00:28:11,956 --> 00:28:13,524
I don't like her friends,
'cause they're haters.

724
00:28:13,625 --> 00:28:14,858
[scattered cheering]
They are.

725
00:28:14,959 --> 00:28:15,859
Look, the guy's clapping.

726
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,361
Yeah, I know, man.

727
00:28:17,462 --> 00:28:19,029
It sucks.
Every time I leave the house,

728
00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:20,531
and I go out of town
for the weekend,

729
00:28:20,632 --> 00:28:22,366
they show up, and they start
throwing little monkey wrenches

730
00:28:22,467 --> 00:28:23,734
in there, you know.

731
00:28:23,835 --> 00:28:25,903
[in female voice]
"So he's not here?

732
00:28:26,004 --> 00:28:27,905
"Where is he?
How come you're not with him?

733
00:28:28,006 --> 00:28:29,173
"What's the story?
What's the deal?

734
00:28:29,274 --> 00:28:30,474
"How long have you
been together now?

735
00:28:30,575 --> 00:28:31,742
"You're not engaged?
You're not married?

736
00:28:31,843 --> 00:28:33,010
"What's up?
Is he gonna adopt Frankie?

737
00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:34,044
"What's the word?
What's going on?

738
00:28:34,145 --> 00:28:35,245
"How come you don't have a ring?

739
00:28:35,346 --> 00:28:36,880
"Norma has a ring
and she's a puta.

740
00:28:36,981 --> 00:28:38,315
How come you don't have a ring?"

741
00:28:38,416 --> 00:28:40,718
[laughter, applause]

742
00:28:44,989 --> 00:28:46,890
So I'll get these
messed-up phone calls

743
00:28:46,991 --> 00:28:49,059
at, like, 2:00 in the morning
when I'm the road, right.

744
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,227
[mimics phone ringing]

745
00:28:50,328 --> 00:28:51,261
"Hello."

746
00:28:51,362 --> 00:28:52,763
[mimics crying]

747
00:28:52,864 --> 00:28:54,098
"Baby?"
"Yeah?"

748
00:28:54,199 --> 00:28:55,766
"Are you okay?"
"Mm-hmm."

749
00:28:55,867 --> 00:28:57,267
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing.

750
00:28:57,368 --> 00:28:59,269
"I'm just here at the house,

751
00:28:59,370 --> 00:29:01,371
watching Cheaters. "

752
00:29:02,941 --> 00:29:04,842
"Great."

753
00:29:04,943 --> 00:29:06,343
Oh, wow, did you see that?

754
00:29:06,444 --> 00:29:07,377
I almost fell.

755
00:29:07,479 --> 00:29:09,179
Ooh!

756
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:10,814
If I fall now, show's over.

757
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:12,716
[mumbling]
Oh, my God.

758
00:29:12,817 --> 00:29:14,218
Yeah, there'll be people
outside.

759
00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:16,720
"We're standing here live
in front of the Plaza Theatre.

760
00:29:16,821 --> 00:29:19,556
"Where authorities believe
Fluffy lost control.

761
00:29:19,657 --> 00:29:21,391
"Seven people were
reported injured,

762
00:29:21,493 --> 00:29:22,626
"three were rushed
to the hospital.

763
00:29:22,727 --> 00:29:24,161
"Authorities had this to say,

764
00:29:24,262 --> 00:29:25,262
'Damn!"'

765
00:29:28,399 --> 00:29:30,400
[cheering, applause, whistling]

766
00:29:34,506 --> 00:29:36,507
Whoo!

767
00:29:37,909 --> 00:29:39,276
Thank you.

768
00:29:39,377 --> 00:29:41,111
They'd be interviewing people.
"Ma'am, what happened?"

769
00:29:41,212 --> 00:29:42,946
"It got dark."

770
00:29:43,047 --> 00:29:44,114
"Sir, what did you see?"

771
00:29:44,215 --> 00:29:46,116
[mimics roaring, thud]

772
00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:48,085
"Se cayo Pikachu."
Yeah, l know.

773
00:29:48,186 --> 00:29:49,653
"He fell."

774
00:29:49,754 --> 00:29:51,021
Uh-huh.

775
00:29:51,122 --> 00:29:53,857
But, no, anyways, let me finish
to tell you what happened.

776
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:55,859
So my girl started tripping out,

777
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,528
and I start getting
these weird phone calls.

778
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:58,695
Finally, I got tired of it.

779
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:00,030
I said, "You know what?
I don't need this.

780
00:30:00,131 --> 00:30:01,365
"You know, I don't need it.

781
00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:03,300
"From now on when I take off
on the road,

782
00:30:03,401 --> 00:30:05,135
no more phone calls."

783
00:30:05,236 --> 00:30:06,970
- Yeah!
- Look at that guy. "Yeah!"

784
00:30:07,071 --> 00:30:08,305
Are you here by yourself?

785
00:30:08,406 --> 00:30:10,340
[laughter]

786
00:30:10,441 --> 00:30:11,508
Uh-huh.

787
00:30:11,609 --> 00:30:12,743
Whatever, dude.

788
00:30:12,844 --> 00:30:15,712
[applause, cheering]
Anyway...

789
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,981
Here's the thing: I took my girl
to the Apple store.

790
00:30:18,082 --> 00:30:19,249
And I got her an iPhone.

791
00:30:19,350 --> 00:30:20,918
I got myself one
and I said, "From now on,

792
00:30:21,019 --> 00:30:22,753
we're texting each other."

793
00:30:22,854 --> 00:30:24,822
And believe it or not,
she was cool with that,

794
00:30:24,923 --> 00:30:26,990
because anytime she would
send me a text,

795
00:30:27,091 --> 00:30:28,992
I would reply like that.

796
00:30:29,093 --> 00:30:30,160
I could be anywhere.

797
00:30:30,261 --> 00:30:31,495
Freaking in the bathroom.
Freaking...

798
00:30:31,596 --> 00:30:32,996
[mimics ding]

799
00:30:33,097 --> 00:30:34,998
"What are you doing?"

800
00:30:35,099 --> 00:30:36,834
[laughs]

801
00:30:36,935 --> 00:30:38,836
"I'm blowing it up!

802
00:30:38,937 --> 00:30:40,504
I love you." Send.

803
00:30:40,605 --> 00:30:42,172
And she'd reply,
"Oh, my God, me too.

804
00:30:42,273 --> 00:30:44,007
I love you!"

805
00:30:44,108 --> 00:30:47,010
It sounds so stupid, but it was
working out perfectly

806
00:30:47,111 --> 00:30:49,012
until one night I got drunk.

807
00:30:49,113 --> 00:30:50,681
[audience oohs]

808
00:30:50,782 --> 00:30:52,216
Oh, you want to hear this?

809
00:30:52,317 --> 00:30:54,051
all: Yeah!
- You want to hear this?

810
00:30:54,152 --> 00:30:55,219
all: Yeah!

811
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:56,653
- So check this out.

812
00:30:56,754 --> 00:30:59,656
I'm leaving a comedy club
in San Jose, California.

813
00:30:59,757 --> 00:31:01,592
And I'm walking back
to my hotel room,

814
00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:03,460
which is one block away.

815
00:31:03,561 --> 00:31:04,895
As I'm walking, I pass in front

816
00:31:04,996 --> 00:31:07,898
of this bar on the corner
called Cinebar.

817
00:31:07,999 --> 00:31:10,400
It's got all kinds of cinema
and movie memorabilia in there.

818
00:31:10,501 --> 00:31:12,436
Looks cool;
I'm walking in front,

819
00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:15,439
and there are people in that bar
that just left my show.

820
00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:18,642
So I walk in front,
and I heard, "Fluffy!

821
00:31:18,743 --> 00:31:20,677
Hey, let me buy you a shot!"

822
00:31:20,778 --> 00:31:23,714
I was like, "Well, you know,
I don't want to be rude."

823
00:31:23,815 --> 00:31:24,948
[laughter]

824
00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:27,417
Can't have that, right?
So I walked in.

825
00:31:27,518 --> 00:31:29,186
I said, "What's---you know,
I'm on way back to my room.

826
00:31:29,287 --> 00:31:30,554
I'll just do
a couple shots, whatever."

827
00:31:30,655 --> 00:31:32,256
So you know, one shot
and then somebody, "Me too."

828
00:31:32,357 --> 00:31:34,291
"All right, me too.
Vamonos. Let's do it."

829
00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:36,126
"Me three." "Me four."

830
00:31:36,227 --> 00:31:38,795
1 5 shots of tequila later...

831
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:40,797
[audience oohs]

832
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,799
[whistling, cheering]

833
00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:44,635
It occurs to me,

834
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:46,403
"I think I should go."

835
00:31:46,504 --> 00:31:49,072
I start walking
towards the door.

836
00:31:49,173 --> 00:31:51,642
I took three steps,
the cold air hit me.

837
00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:53,977
I got dizzy and I fell.
Hard.

838
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:55,279
I know I fell hard,

839
00:31:55,380 --> 00:31:57,314
'cause when I hit the ground
I farted.

840
00:31:57,415 --> 00:31:58,482
[laughter]

841
00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:00,484
[mimics fart]

842
00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:02,920
"Oh, my God, I farted!"

843
00:32:03,021 --> 00:32:04,321
My buddy Martin ran over,

844
00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:05,756
and he helped me
up off the ground.

845
00:32:05,857 --> 00:32:06,790
"You okay, Gabriel?"

846
00:32:06,891 --> 00:32:08,191
[mumbling]

847
00:32:08,293 --> 00:32:09,693
We stumbled back
to the hotel room,

848
00:32:09,794 --> 00:32:11,361
I sit down in the lobby,
and I'm just like...

849
00:32:11,462 --> 00:32:12,896
[exhaling]

850
00:32:12,997 --> 00:32:14,164
"Are you okay, Gabriel?"

851
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:15,565
"I'm okay, man.
Where's my phone?

852
00:32:15,667 --> 00:32:17,567
I gotta let my girl know
I'm okay."

853
00:32:17,669 --> 00:32:18,735
"You're holding it."

854
00:32:18,836 --> 00:32:20,637
"Oh, thank you, Martin.
I love you.

855
00:32:20,738 --> 00:32:22,306
"I love you.
You're a good friend, man.

856
00:32:22,407 --> 00:32:23,640
You're a good friend."

857
00:32:23,741 --> 00:32:25,542
He goes, "What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna text."

858
00:32:25,643 --> 00:32:27,544
"Dude, just call her."
"No!

859
00:32:27,645 --> 00:32:30,547
"If I call her, she's gonna know
something's up.

860
00:32:30,648 --> 00:32:32,549
"I'm gonna text her.
Watch.

861
00:32:32,650 --> 00:32:35,886
"Baby, I made it back
to the hotel.

862
00:32:35,987 --> 00:32:38,488
"I love you.

863
00:32:38,589 --> 00:32:40,490
Kissy-face."

864
00:32:40,591 --> 00:32:42,092
Send.

865
00:32:42,193 --> 00:32:43,593
[mimics ding]

866
00:32:43,695 --> 00:32:45,562
"How did it go?"

867
00:32:45,663 --> 00:32:47,597
[laughing]
"I farted!

868
00:32:47,699 --> 00:32:49,933
"I shouldn't tell her that,
huh, Martin?

869
00:32:50,034 --> 00:32:50,934
"Okay.

870
00:32:51,035 --> 00:32:52,269
It went good."

871
00:32:52,370 --> 00:32:53,971
[mimics ding]
Send.

872
00:32:54,072 --> 00:32:57,474
"What did you do
after your show?"

873
00:32:57,575 --> 00:33:00,477
"Oh, here we go."

874
00:33:00,578 --> 00:33:02,145
My buddy Martin is like,

875
00:33:02,246 --> 00:33:03,814
"Gabriel, man, Gabriel,
don't tell her---

876
00:33:03,915 --> 00:33:05,649
"don't tell her you were
at a bar getting drunk, man.

877
00:33:05,750 --> 00:33:06,783
Don't tell her."

878
00:33:06,884 --> 00:33:09,786
"Martin, I have to tell her
the truth, bro.

879
00:33:09,887 --> 00:33:11,455
"We're cool like that, man.

880
00:33:11,556 --> 00:33:13,123
"I can talk to her.

881
00:33:13,224 --> 00:33:15,459
"I can---I could tell her
anything, man.

882
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,628
"She's not like your old lady,
you know.

883
00:33:18,730 --> 00:33:19,997
Trippin' all the time."

884
00:33:20,098 --> 00:33:22,265
"Hey, Martin, take the pictures
of the cochina

885
00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:23,367
off the internet."

886
00:33:23,468 --> 00:33:24,868
"Whatever."

887
00:33:24,969 --> 00:33:26,069
"Oh, I'm sorry,
did I say that out loud?

888
00:33:26,170 --> 00:33:27,571
Forgive me, bro."

889
00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:28,572
"Gabriel, lie."

890
00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:29,673
"I can't lie, man."

891
00:33:29,774 --> 00:33:31,341
"Lie!"
"I can't lie!"

892
00:33:31,442 --> 00:33:32,542
"Are you that honest?"

893
00:33:32,643 --> 00:33:35,212
"No, I just won't remember
the lie.

894
00:33:35,313 --> 00:33:37,514
"Why get in trouble two times
for the same stupid thing?

895
00:33:37,615 --> 00:33:38,815
You know what I'm saying, bro?"

896
00:33:38,916 --> 00:33:40,450
So I sent the message.

897
00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:43,186
"Baby, I made it...

898
00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:45,622
Oh, delete, delete, delete."

899
00:33:45,723 --> 00:33:46,823
[chuckles]

900
00:33:46,924 --> 00:33:50,027
"Baby, I went next door

901
00:33:50,128 --> 00:33:54,398
"with Martin to Cinebar.

902
00:33:54,499 --> 00:33:56,233
"Had a nice time.

903
00:33:56,334 --> 00:33:58,835
"Kissy face, kissy face.

904
00:33:58,936 --> 00:34:01,405
"Kissy face.

905
00:34:01,506 --> 00:34:02,639
Send."

906
00:34:02,740 --> 00:34:03,974
[imitates cell phone chiming]

907
00:34:04,075 --> 00:34:05,275
"Lucky you.

908
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,711
"Wish I could've been there
with you.

909
00:34:07,812 --> 00:34:09,746
"Tell Martin I said hi.

910
00:34:09,847 --> 00:34:11,048
I love you."

911
00:34:11,149 --> 00:34:13,617
[laughing]
Oh, my God.

912
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,520
Martin, I just told
my girlfriend

913
00:34:16,621 --> 00:34:19,990
I was at a bar with you,
and she didn't get mad.

914
00:34:21,359 --> 00:34:23,927
What the hell is she doing?

915
00:34:24,028 --> 00:34:26,129
[laughter, applause]

916
00:34:34,172 --> 00:34:37,274
Man, she told me
to tell you hi.

917
00:34:37,375 --> 00:34:40,143
And she don't even like you.

918
00:34:40,244 --> 00:34:42,712
So I scroll back
to read what she read,

919
00:34:42,814 --> 00:34:44,314
and apparently, my stupid iPhone

920
00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:46,116
has this memory
spell check feature,

921
00:34:46,217 --> 00:34:49,419
and it didn't recognize
the word, "Cinebar."

922
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,689
It flipped it and turned it
into Cinnabon.

923
00:34:52,790 --> 00:34:55,992
So apparently, at 1 0:00
at night, my girlfriend thought

924
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:59,262
I was having cinnamon rolls
with my friend, Martin,

925
00:34:59,363 --> 00:35:01,932
which normally,
would sound like an ugly lie,

926
00:35:02,033 --> 00:35:03,667
but considering her boyfriend
is known

927
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:05,702
as "the fluffy guy"
who loves "chocolate cake,"

928
00:35:05,803 --> 00:35:07,137
it sounds real.

929
00:35:07,238 --> 00:35:09,172
I was like, "Oh, my God.

930
00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:10,841
"Martin, check it out!

931
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:12,909
My iPhone lied for me."

932
00:35:13,010 --> 00:35:15,011
[laughter, applause]

933
00:35:16,914 --> 00:35:18,448
I love you, iPhone!

934
00:35:20,251 --> 00:35:21,852
BlackBerry can't do that.

935
00:35:21,953 --> 00:35:24,221
[cackling]

936
00:35:24,322 --> 00:35:27,023
A month later, my girlfriend
heard me tell the story,

937
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:28,558
and she's like,
"That's a funny joke."

938
00:35:28,659 --> 00:35:29,926
I go, "It really happened."

939
00:35:30,027 --> 00:35:31,228
"How come you didn't tell me?"

940
00:35:31,329 --> 00:35:34,064
I said,
"The phone didn't let me."

941
00:35:34,165 --> 00:35:35,532
And her friends are right there.

942
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:37,100
"See, he's out there
getting wasted,

943
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:38,435
sending you messed-up texts."

944
00:35:38,536 --> 00:35:40,637
"Whatever. Shut up, haters."

945
00:35:42,173 --> 00:35:44,407
Yeah, a lot of things
are going on.

946
00:35:44,509 --> 00:35:46,510
Um, in the house here tonight,
you guys,

947
00:35:46,611 --> 00:35:48,245
I'm very happy she was able
to make it.

948
00:35:48,346 --> 00:35:49,379
A lot has been going on.

949
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,815
My mom once again
here at my special...

950
00:35:51,916 --> 00:35:53,049
is in here.

951
00:35:53,151 --> 00:35:54,618
[audience cheering]

952
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:56,286
Where you at, Ma?

953
00:35:56,387 --> 00:35:57,854
I know you're out here.

954
00:35:57,955 --> 00:35:59,289
Oh, there she is.

955
00:35:59,390 --> 00:36:01,391
[audience cheering]

956
00:36:02,927 --> 00:36:04,628
Andale.

957
00:36:06,297 --> 00:36:10,000
She almost didn't make it here
tonight, you guys, almost.

958
00:36:10,101 --> 00:36:13,737
Uh, a month ago, my mom
got admitted to the hospital.

959
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:14,871
She got a little sick.

960
00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:17,207
Somebody forgot to take
their medication, uh-uh.

961
00:36:17,308 --> 00:36:19,843
"I don't need it pa'que...
pa'que neces...ay, ay."

962
00:36:19,944 --> 00:36:21,044
Yeah, uh-uh, remember that?

963
00:36:21,145 --> 00:36:22,045
Remember that? Right?
Anyway, Mom...

964
00:36:22,146 --> 00:36:23,446
Sorry, I have to throw it at her

965
00:36:23,548 --> 00:36:24,781
so she makes sure
she takes her medicine.

966
00:36:24,882 --> 00:36:26,483
Got to give my little shout-outs
right now.

967
00:36:26,584 --> 00:36:28,485
Right here in the front row,
you guys...

968
00:36:28,586 --> 00:36:30,554
if anybody saw my last DVD,
in the bonus features,

969
00:36:30,655 --> 00:36:31,588
this gentleman right here,

970
00:36:31,689 --> 00:36:33,323
Freddy Franco---
Fred Franco---

971
00:36:33,424 --> 00:36:37,494
has attended over 250
of my shows.

972
00:36:37,595 --> 00:36:41,331
Over 250 of my shows.

973
00:36:41,432 --> 00:36:44,601
In about five
or six different states.

974
00:36:45,937 --> 00:36:47,537
At first,
my girlfriend was like,

975
00:36:47,638 --> 00:36:48,872
"Psycho."

976
00:36:48,973 --> 00:36:51,041
But he's not---
he's cool.

977
00:36:51,142 --> 00:36:52,175
We've hung out with him.

978
00:36:52,276 --> 00:36:54,010
Just a---one of the greatest
fans ever,

979
00:36:54,111 --> 00:36:56,479
and so I have to give him
his props, you know.

980
00:36:56,581 --> 00:36:59,349
He, uh, took some time
off of work to come out here.

981
00:36:59,450 --> 00:37:01,751
So thank you, Freddy.

982
00:37:01,852 --> 00:37:02,886
Man.

983
00:37:02,987 --> 00:37:04,087
Cabron, you're die-hard.

984
00:37:04,188 --> 00:37:05,655
Please don't ever
turn psycho, please.

985
00:37:05,756 --> 00:37:07,691
'Cause I have some psychos
out there.

986
00:37:07,792 --> 00:37:09,526
They'll show up, and they'll
hang out by the car.

987
00:37:09,627 --> 00:37:11,428
"Gabriel."
[laughing nuttily]

988
00:37:15,366 --> 00:37:17,734
It's funny because this is my---
this is my third special.

989
00:37:17,835 --> 00:37:19,336
In the last special that I did,

990
00:37:19,437 --> 00:37:22,672
I did a bunch of references
to police officers.

991
00:37:22,773 --> 00:37:25,942
And they weren't exactly
flattering references or jokes.

992
00:37:26,043 --> 00:37:27,911
You know, I was just
kind of like saying,

993
00:37:28,012 --> 00:37:30,847
you know, the whole doughnut
thing and, um...[laughs]

994
00:37:30,948 --> 00:37:34,884
Apparently, they became fans
in some weird way,

995
00:37:34,986 --> 00:37:38,588
because I started getting phone
calls to do police functions.

996
00:37:38,689 --> 00:37:40,924
In December,
I had five Christmas parties.

997
00:37:41,025 --> 00:37:42,659
I got a phone call
from my agent.

998
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:44,628
He's like, "Gabe, check it out.

999
00:37:44,729 --> 00:37:46,529
"CHP, California
Highway Patrol,

1000
00:37:46,631 --> 00:37:48,265
wants to hire you to do a show."

1001
00:37:48,366 --> 00:37:49,733
I go, "Really?
What does it pay?"

1002
00:37:49,834 --> 00:37:51,901
"They want you
to donate your time."

1003
00:37:52,003 --> 00:37:54,638
"I think I'm busy."

1004
00:37:54,739 --> 00:37:57,240
"They told me to let you know
you have a warrant

1005
00:37:57,341 --> 00:37:59,242
in the city
of Fresno, California."

1006
00:37:59,343 --> 00:38:02,112
I'm like, "Oh, they're good."

1007
00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:04,781
So I did the show.

1008
00:38:04,882 --> 00:38:06,416
And I'm gonna tell
you guys right now---

1009
00:38:06,517 --> 00:38:07,917
I'm gonna tell you guys
right now,

1010
00:38:08,019 --> 00:38:10,153
it was one of the scariest shows
I ever did.

1011
00:38:10,254 --> 00:38:12,656
A room full of nothing but cops.

1012
00:38:12,757 --> 00:38:14,424
Everybody's drinking a lot.

1013
00:38:14,525 --> 00:38:19,229
And I'm scared, because if they
get ghetto, who do I call?

1014
00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:21,531
You know, I got to go out
in the parking lot

1015
00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:22,666
and find some gang member.

1016
00:38:22,767 --> 00:38:25,735
"Hey, back me up!"

1017
00:38:25,836 --> 00:38:27,103
So the show went good.

1018
00:38:27,204 --> 00:38:29,706
It went so good that they
asked me to do another show

1019
00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:31,374
in California, in San Diego,

1020
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:34,344
for the California
Highway Patrol Border Division.

1021
00:38:34,445 --> 00:38:35,979
And I tried to make up an excuse

1022
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:37,314
that my car
wasn't working right.

1023
00:38:37,415 --> 00:38:39,649
They said, "No worries.
We understand."

1024
00:38:39,750 --> 00:38:42,919
They sent a patrol car
to my house

1025
00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:45,088
with a freaking
uniformed officer.

1026
00:38:45,189 --> 00:38:47,957
And I was like, "Oh, my God."

1027
00:38:48,059 --> 00:38:52,829
Best part was I didn't tell
my family he was coming.

1028
00:38:52,930 --> 00:38:54,364
Oh, yeah, sometimes
you have to create

1029
00:38:54,465 --> 00:38:56,299
your own entertainment.

1030
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:57,467
It was hysterical.

1031
00:38:57,568 --> 00:38:58,668
5:00 rolled around.

1032
00:38:58,769 --> 00:39:00,303
I'm like, "He should be here
any minute."

1033
00:39:00,404 --> 00:39:02,272
Sure enough...
[imitates doorbell ringing]

1034
00:39:02,373 --> 00:39:03,773
"Frankie!

1035
00:39:03,874 --> 00:39:05,442
Frankie, can you
get the door, please?"

1036
00:39:05,543 --> 00:39:07,210
"Okay, Gabriel."
So he goes to the door.

1037
00:39:07,311 --> 00:39:09,379
Comes back, and he's got,
like---you know, he's like...

1038
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,147
[whispering]
"Gabriel.

1039
00:39:11,248 --> 00:39:14,017
Gabriel, the police are here."

1040
00:39:14,118 --> 00:39:15,719
"Why are you whispering?"

1041
00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:18,221
'"Cause something's
gonna happen."

1042
00:39:18,322 --> 00:39:19,889
When he said that, I'm like,

1043
00:39:19,990 --> 00:39:22,692
"Oh, I got to freaking
let him have it now, right?"

1044
00:39:22,793 --> 00:39:24,894
I said, "Oh, my God, Frankie,
they found me."

1045
00:39:24,995 --> 00:39:26,496
"What do you mean, Gabriel?"

1046
00:39:26,597 --> 00:39:28,431
"I got to go, Frankie.
I got to go.

1047
00:39:28,532 --> 00:39:30,066
"Take care of your mom
for me, okay?

1048
00:39:30,167 --> 00:39:31,334
I love you. I love you."

1049
00:39:31,435 --> 00:39:32,502
"No!"

1050
00:39:32,603 --> 00:39:33,903
"I got to go, Frankie."

1051
00:39:34,004 --> 00:39:35,405
And I saw the officer---
I said,

1052
00:39:35,506 --> 00:39:37,674
"Pretend you're arresting me.
I want to freak out my kid."

1053
00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:40,110
"No problem. Turn around and put
your hands behind your back."

1054
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:42,412
"I can't reach.

1055
00:39:42,513 --> 00:39:43,780
"Just hold my hand.

1056
00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:45,715
"Walk me to the car.
Just walk me to the car.

1057
00:39:45,816 --> 00:39:46,950
"Come on, just walk me
to the car.

1058
00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,218
"He doesn't know
the difference, dude.

1059
00:39:48,319 --> 00:39:49,652
"Just walk me
to the freaking car.

1060
00:39:49,754 --> 00:39:50,687
Come on."

1061
00:39:50,788 --> 00:39:52,222
I get to the cop car.

1062
00:39:52,323 --> 00:39:54,491
He throws me in the backseat,
right, and slams the door.

1063
00:39:54,592 --> 00:39:55,925
And I ask him,

1064
00:39:56,026 --> 00:39:58,828
"Is it okay if I yell out
the window to freak out my kid?"

1065
00:39:58,929 --> 00:40:00,563
"You want to use
the microphone?" "Yeah!"

1066
00:40:00,664 --> 00:40:02,465
Freaking...
[imitates microphone feedback]

1067
00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:03,666
"Here you go, sir."

1068
00:40:03,768 --> 00:40:05,535
And he hands me the microphone,
and I said,

1069
00:40:05,636 --> 00:40:06,903
"Frankie, this is the police.

1070
00:40:07,004 --> 00:40:08,438
"We have your father.

1071
00:40:08,539 --> 00:40:10,874
"We're coming back for you
in one hour.

1072
00:40:10,975 --> 00:40:12,208
Do your homework."

1073
00:40:12,309 --> 00:40:13,343
[imitates siren warbling]

1074
00:40:13,444 --> 00:40:15,211
[imitates car driving away]

1075
00:40:15,312 --> 00:40:17,580
One minute later,
my girlfriend calls me.

1076
00:40:17,681 --> 00:40:19,449
"You're an ass!"

1077
00:40:19,550 --> 00:40:20,784
"What's he doing?"

1078
00:40:20,885 --> 00:40:23,153
"He's doing his homework."

1079
00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:24,988
"That's called parenting, baby."

1080
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,090
[cheering and applause]

1081
00:40:37,168 --> 00:40:38,468
[sighs, chuckles]

1082
00:40:38,569 --> 00:40:39,803
He got even with me, though.

1083
00:40:39,904 --> 00:40:41,871
He totally got even with me.

1084
00:40:41,972 --> 00:40:44,174
I walked in the kitchen
one morning.

1085
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,543
He's sitting there,
and he looks at me, and he goes,

1086
00:40:46,644 --> 00:40:48,778
"Gabriel, I have a question
for you.

1087
00:40:48,879 --> 00:40:51,414
What's a hooker?"

1088
00:40:51,515 --> 00:40:52,682
[sternly]
"What did you say?"

1089
00:40:52,783 --> 00:40:53,683
"What's a hooker?"

1090
00:40:53,784 --> 00:40:54,918
"Where did you hear that?"

1091
00:40:55,019 --> 00:40:57,253
"I was watching HBO,
and there was a commercial

1092
00:40:57,354 --> 00:40:59,022
"for a show
called Hookers at the Point.

1093
00:40:59,123 --> 00:41:00,890
"It said,
'This Saturday at 1 1:30,

1094
00:41:00,991 --> 00:41:02,792
"check out all the hookers.'

1095
00:41:02,893 --> 00:41:04,060
What's that mean?"

1096
00:41:04,161 --> 00:41:06,062
"That means we're going out
Saturday."

1097
00:41:06,163 --> 00:41:07,464
"What's a hooker?"

1098
00:41:07,565 --> 00:41:08,598
"Let it go, dude."

1099
00:41:08,699 --> 00:41:10,033
"Tell me."
"You don't need to know."

1100
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:12,068
"Tell me."
"Frankie, that's for adults."

1101
00:41:12,169 --> 00:41:13,303
"You said I was an adult."

1102
00:41:13,404 --> 00:41:14,904
"I said you eat like an adult.

1103
00:41:15,005 --> 00:41:16,372
"And what you do
in the bathroom,

1104
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:17,707
"you are grown up---
trust me---

1105
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,776
but you don't need to know
what a hooker is."

1106
00:41:19,877 --> 00:41:21,277
He throws a fit in the kitchen.

1107
00:41:21,378 --> 00:41:24,481
"Hooker! Hooker!
Hooker! Hooker!"

1108
00:41:24,582 --> 00:41:26,115
"What are you doing?"
"Hooker!"

1109
00:41:26,217 --> 00:41:27,217
He won't stop.

1110
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,285
I don't know what to do,
so I snapped.

1111
00:41:29,386 --> 00:41:30,353
"Quit it!"

1112
00:41:30,454 --> 00:41:31,554
And he stopped.

1113
00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:33,957
And apparently,
his mom heard that.

1114
00:41:34,058 --> 00:41:36,226
Mm-hmm,
and as soon as I yelled,

1115
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:38,261
[laughing]
Oh...my God,

1116
00:41:38,362 --> 00:41:40,396
he went from being my son

1117
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:43,233
to my girlfriend's little cub
once again.

1118
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:46,236
And here she comes from
the other side of the house,

1119
00:41:46,337 --> 00:41:48,505
mama lion, to protect
her little, you know...

1120
00:41:48,606 --> 00:41:50,607
[mimics theme from
The Lion King]

1121
00:41:52,610 --> 00:41:55,512
[roaring]

1122
00:41:55,613 --> 00:41:57,881
[imitating hoofbeats]

1123
00:41:57,982 --> 00:41:59,682
I could see her coming.

1124
00:41:59,783 --> 00:42:01,217
[screams]

1125
00:42:01,318 --> 00:42:02,852
[roaring]

1126
00:42:02,953 --> 00:42:04,153
"Why are you yelling
at my baby?"

1127
00:42:04,255 --> 00:42:05,221
Oh, my God.

1128
00:42:05,322 --> 00:42:06,956
"He wants to know
what a hooker is."

1129
00:42:07,057 --> 00:42:08,224
[crying]
"And that's why you're yelling?"

1130
00:42:08,325 --> 00:42:09,292
Tears, right?

1131
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:10,793
"You said,
if he had any questions,

1132
00:42:10,895 --> 00:42:12,061
he could come to you."

1133
00:42:12,162 --> 00:42:14,197
"I didn't know
he was going to ask me that."

1134
00:42:14,298 --> 00:42:16,199
"You said, 'Don't worry, baby.

1135
00:42:16,300 --> 00:42:17,200
'"I'm the man.

1136
00:42:17,301 --> 00:42:19,536
I'll take care of it."'

1137
00:42:21,472 --> 00:42:22,539
"Tell him."

1138
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:23,673
"Are you serious?"

1139
00:42:23,774 --> 00:42:25,141
"Tell him now."

1140
00:42:25,242 --> 00:42:28,077
[sighs]

1141
00:42:28,178 --> 00:42:30,413
"Frankie, you want to know
what a hooker is?"

1142
00:42:30,514 --> 00:42:31,548
"Yeah."

1143
00:42:31,649 --> 00:42:33,483
"Those are your mom's friends."

1144
00:42:33,584 --> 00:42:36,419
[audience laughing]

1145
00:42:41,625 --> 00:42:43,293
[imitates car speeding away]

1146
00:42:46,430 --> 00:42:48,197
They don't like me anyway.

1147
00:42:48,299 --> 00:42:50,533
At least now, when they come
over to the house---

1148
00:42:50,634 --> 00:42:52,168
"Frankie, who's at the door?"

1149
00:42:52,269 --> 00:42:54,737
"Hookers are here."

1150
00:42:54,838 --> 00:42:56,272
My buddies are like,
"What did he say?"

1151
00:42:56,373 --> 00:42:58,041
"Happy birthday."

1152
00:42:58,142 --> 00:42:59,576
[cackling]

1153
00:42:59,677 --> 00:43:01,911
Oh, my God.

1154
00:43:03,180 --> 00:43:05,214
Noticing we got a soldier
in the front row, man.

1155
00:43:05,316 --> 00:43:07,050
How you doing, bro?

1156
00:43:07,151 --> 00:43:09,719
US Army?
[cheering and applause]

1157
00:43:09,820 --> 00:43:11,588
Thanks for coming, man.

1158
00:43:11,689 --> 00:43:13,489
What's your name?

1159
00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:16,693
I can see...yeah,
I can read the last name,

1160
00:43:16,794 --> 00:43:18,194
Fuentes,
but what's your name?

1161
00:43:18,295 --> 00:43:19,963
What's that?
Ricardo.

1162
00:43:20,064 --> 00:43:21,164
Ricardo...
you're in El Paso.

1163
00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:22,932
"Ricardo, cabron. "

1164
00:43:23,033 --> 00:43:25,568
Save Ricardo
for over there, okay?

1165
00:43:25,669 --> 00:43:27,303
Okay? "Ricardo!"

1166
00:43:27,404 --> 00:43:29,305
I want you to sound like you're
in one of those noveIas.

1167
00:43:29,406 --> 00:43:31,641
"Who is it?"
[suavely] "It's Ricardo."

1168
00:43:31,742 --> 00:43:33,209
"Did you bring a pistola?"

1169
00:43:33,310 --> 00:43:35,578
[imitates gun cocking]

1170
00:43:35,679 --> 00:43:37,747
Sorry, man, I'm just giving you
a tough time, man.

1171
00:43:37,848 --> 00:43:38,982
But thank you for coming, man.

1172
00:43:39,083 --> 00:43:40,450
Thank you for what you do.

1173
00:43:40,551 --> 00:43:41,918
[cheering and applause]

1174
00:43:42,019 --> 00:43:44,721
Seriously, bro.

1175
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:47,790
I did a tour recently

1176
00:43:47,891 --> 00:43:49,892
called "Around in the World
in Eight Days."

1177
00:43:49,994 --> 00:43:53,529
We went to, uh, Iraq,
Afghanistan, Germany, Turkey,

1178
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:57,367
uh, Greenland,
Alaska, and Los Angeles.

1179
00:43:57,468 --> 00:43:59,869
They had to drop me off.

1180
00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:01,904
Iraq was crazy, you guys.

1181
00:44:02,006 --> 00:44:04,140
When you land in Iraq,
it's not like landing here,

1182
00:44:04,241 --> 00:44:06,209
you know, in El Paso,
where the plane comes in...

1183
00:44:06,310 --> 00:44:07,477
[imitates landing airplane]

1184
00:44:07,578 --> 00:44:10,246
Over there, people take shots
at the planes,

1185
00:44:10,347 --> 00:44:11,781
so the plane comes in like this.

1186
00:44:11,882 --> 00:44:13,349
Like that.

1187
00:44:13,450 --> 00:44:14,651
And then, at the last minute...

1188
00:44:14,752 --> 00:44:16,152
[imitates whooshing airplane]

1189
00:44:16,253 --> 00:44:18,021
Caca.

1190
00:44:18,122 --> 00:44:19,822
The whole plane smelled
like chimichangas.

1191
00:44:19,923 --> 00:44:21,090
It was terrible.

1192
00:44:23,961 --> 00:44:25,294
[groans]

1193
00:44:25,396 --> 00:44:27,063
[laughter]

1194
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:28,531
That, for me, was one

1195
00:44:28,632 --> 00:44:31,334
of the scariest shows
of my life, man.

1196
00:44:31,435 --> 00:44:33,736
I'm in Iraq,
middle of the night.

1197
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:35,471
Outside.

1198
00:44:35,572 --> 00:44:37,306
No tent.

1199
00:44:37,408 --> 00:44:39,542
Pitch black, helicopter flying,

1200
00:44:39,643 --> 00:44:41,477
and there's a spotlight on me.

1201
00:44:41,578 --> 00:44:42,745
[laughter]

1202
00:44:42,846 --> 00:44:44,447
And I'm supposed to be funny.

1203
00:44:44,548 --> 00:44:45,682
And I can hear...

1204
00:44:45,783 --> 00:44:47,016
[imitates gunfire]

1205
00:44:47,117 --> 00:44:48,184
[imitates rapid gunfire]

1206
00:44:48,285 --> 00:44:49,385
[imitates crying]

1207
00:44:49,486 --> 00:44:50,687
[laughter]

1208
00:44:50,788 --> 00:44:53,189
And the crazy part
is that I saw a sign

1209
00:44:53,290 --> 00:44:55,058
that was very familiar.

1210
00:44:55,159 --> 00:44:57,927
They have Subways in Iraq.

1211
00:44:58,028 --> 00:45:00,296
I was, like, "Is that?
What is that? Is that?

1212
00:45:00,397 --> 00:45:02,098
"It's Subway. Oh, my God!

1213
00:45:02,199 --> 00:45:03,266
Yeah!"

1214
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,001
I got back to my room.

1215
00:45:05,102 --> 00:45:07,537
They have the stupid commercial
there too, in their language.

1216
00:45:07,638 --> 00:45:09,372
Oh, my God, I almost lost it.

1217
00:45:09,473 --> 00:45:10,873
Same one. Freaking...

1218
00:45:10,974 --> 00:45:13,810
♪ Hallel, hallel,
hallel, hallel  ♪

1219
00:45:13,911 --> 00:45:16,679
♪ Hallel, hallel...  ♪

1220
00:45:16,780 --> 00:45:18,081
[ululating]

1221
00:45:18,182 --> 00:45:20,183
♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel...  ♪
[applause and laughter]

1222
00:45:20,284 --> 00:45:22,351
"Oh, my God, turn it off,
turn it off, turn it off."

1223
00:45:22,453 --> 00:45:24,454
[laughter]

1224
00:45:26,790 --> 00:45:27,890
It's crazy, man.

1225
00:45:27,991 --> 00:45:29,459
You know what was crazy, bro?

1226
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:30,660
When I was in Iraq,

1227
00:45:30,761 --> 00:45:32,228
they wanted me to go
to different bases,

1228
00:45:32,329 --> 00:45:35,098
but they wouldn't let me go
because they have to provide you

1229
00:45:35,199 --> 00:45:37,033
with a helmet
and a bulletproof vest.

1230
00:45:37,134 --> 00:45:40,403
And apparently, the military
does not have a Big and Tall.

1231
00:45:40,504 --> 00:45:41,704
[laughter]

1232
00:45:41,805 --> 00:45:44,140
They put
that 75-pound vest on me.

1233
00:45:44,241 --> 00:45:46,342
It looked like
a bulletproof bib.

1234
00:45:46,443 --> 00:45:48,845
Like if somebody shoots
my snack, I'm okay, you know?

1235
00:45:48,946 --> 00:45:49,979
[imitates ricocheting]

1236
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:51,581
Oh, it stopped right here.

1237
00:45:51,682 --> 00:45:53,683
I'm, like, "Oh, my God."

1238
00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:57,520
No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.

1239
00:45:57,621 --> 00:45:59,155
No, man.

1240
00:45:59,256 --> 00:46:00,356
We flew into Korea.

1241
00:46:00,457 --> 00:46:02,458
That threw me off
a little bit too.

1242
00:46:02,559 --> 00:46:05,995
We go to check into the hotel,
and it was kind of scary for me,

1243
00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,731
because the phone had
a big sticker on it that said,

1244
00:46:08,832 --> 00:46:11,067
"Do not discuss
classified information.

1245
00:46:11,168 --> 00:46:13,469
Someone is always listening."

1246
00:46:13,570 --> 00:46:14,837
That's freaky,

1247
00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:16,405
'cause I'm calling
my girl back home, right?

1248
00:46:16,507 --> 00:46:17,807
[imitates phone ringing, click]
"Hello?"

1249
00:46:17,908 --> 00:46:18,975
"Hey, baby."

1250
00:46:19,076 --> 00:46:20,309
"Oh, my God, where are you?"

1251
00:46:20,410 --> 00:46:21,477
"I can't tell you."

1252
00:46:21,578 --> 00:46:22,645
[laughter]

1253
00:46:22,746 --> 00:46:23,913
"Oh, my God, I'm so worried."

1254
00:46:24,014 --> 00:46:25,081
"Don't worry, baby.
Everything's cool."

1255
00:46:25,182 --> 00:46:27,316
"Oh, my God, I miss you so much.
Where are you?"

1256
00:46:27,417 --> 00:46:28,484
"I can't tell you."

1257
00:46:28,585 --> 00:46:30,019
So I'm trying to give her clues,
right?

1258
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:31,454
[hums Asian-themed tune]

1259
00:46:31,555 --> 00:46:32,688
"Germany?"

1260
00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:33,890
"What?"

1261
00:46:33,991 --> 00:46:35,224
"I'm kidding."

1262
00:46:35,325 --> 00:46:36,225
"Oh, thank God, honey."

1263
00:46:36,326 --> 00:46:37,393
"I wish you were home."

1264
00:46:37,494 --> 00:46:38,761
"Why?"

1265
00:46:38,862 --> 00:46:40,329
"If you were home right now,
we'd be in the room."

1266
00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:41,597
"Really?

1267
00:46:41,698 --> 00:46:42,832
What else?"

1268
00:46:42,933 --> 00:46:44,700
"And we'd be laying on the bed."

1269
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:46,235
"Check you out."

1270
00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:48,371
All of a sudden,
I heard a voice that said...

1271
00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:50,373
[male voice]
"What else would you do?"

1272
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:51,808
[laughter]

1273
00:46:51,909 --> 00:46:53,409
[man clears throat]

1274
00:46:53,510 --> 00:46:55,111
"I'm sorry.
Proceed. Proceed."

1275
00:46:55,212 --> 00:46:56,412
[imitates phone thumping
on receiver]

1276
00:46:56,513 --> 00:46:58,214
Blockers over there.

1277
00:46:58,315 --> 00:46:59,816
But I enjoyed myself, you guys.

1278
00:46:59,917 --> 00:47:01,617
I had a lot of fun.

1279
00:47:01,718 --> 00:47:03,653
I made the reference
to the police officers,

1280
00:47:03,754 --> 00:47:06,255
and, you know, sometimes
there's problems everywhere.

1281
00:47:06,356 --> 00:47:08,257
Cops used to mess with me a lot.

1282
00:47:08,358 --> 00:47:10,259
That's why
I love getting recognized now.

1283
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:12,161
Now, they're just, like,
"Oh, it's you."

1284
00:47:12,262 --> 00:47:13,329
I'm like...[sighs]

1285
00:47:13,430 --> 00:47:14,597
[laughs]

1286
00:47:14,698 --> 00:47:16,966
That wasn't the case
six years ago.

1287
00:47:17,067 --> 00:47:19,435
I did a theater show
just like this one

1288
00:47:19,536 --> 00:47:21,370
in the city of San Antonio.

1289
00:47:21,471 --> 00:47:23,239
As soon as the show was over,

1290
00:47:23,340 --> 00:47:24,674
"San Antone, ¿que paso?"

1291
00:47:24,775 --> 00:47:27,143
As soon as the show was over,
you know,

1292
00:47:27,244 --> 00:47:29,545
I'm hanging out in the lobby,
taking pictures and stuff.

1293
00:47:29,646 --> 00:47:30,980
And then we go outside,

1294
00:47:31,081 --> 00:47:33,449
and I get stopped
in front of the theater

1295
00:47:33,550 --> 00:47:35,084
in front of my own poster.

1296
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:37,053
How sad is that?
You know, freakin'...

1297
00:47:37,154 --> 00:47:38,221
[siren chirps]

1298
00:47:38,322 --> 00:47:39,789
"What are you doing?"

1299
00:47:39,890 --> 00:47:40,957
"Uh, standing."

1300
00:47:41,058 --> 00:47:42,158
"You have any ID?"

1301
00:47:42,259 --> 00:47:44,560
[whimpers]

1302
00:47:44,661 --> 00:47:46,662
[laughter and applause
and whooping]

1303
00:47:49,967 --> 00:47:51,067
"Keep going."

1304
00:47:51,168 --> 00:47:52,602
"All right!"

1305
00:47:52,703 --> 00:47:54,170
Oh! Now, uh-uh.

1306
00:47:54,271 --> 00:47:56,539
Every chance I get
to have fun with them, I will.

1307
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:57,707
Last time I got stopped,

1308
00:47:57,808 --> 00:47:59,308
the cop came
to the car all mean.

1309
00:47:59,409 --> 00:48:00,576
"You know why I stopped you?"

1310
00:48:00,677 --> 00:48:02,778
I looked at him with
a straight face, and I said,

1311
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,780
'"Cause I'm black."

1312
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,549
[laughter]

1313
00:48:06,650 --> 00:48:08,551
"Ha, ha. Hell, yeah, man.

1314
00:48:08,652 --> 00:48:09,785
What's up, playa?"

1315
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:12,855
He turned the flashlight on,
you guys.

1316
00:48:14,625 --> 00:48:16,225
[laughter]

1317
00:48:16,326 --> 00:48:18,027
"Get the hell out of here,
stupid."

1318
00:48:18,128 --> 00:48:19,195
[laughter]

1319
00:48:19,296 --> 00:48:20,363
"Yay. Yay."

1320
00:48:20,464 --> 00:48:22,465
[imitates engine revving]

1321
00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:26,502
Oh, and by the way, thank you

1322
00:48:26,603 --> 00:48:28,804
to whoever brought
the chocolate cakes in the back.

1323
00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:30,573
I got them
right before the show.

1324
00:48:30,674 --> 00:48:31,974
Thank you very much.

1325
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,175
[applause and cheering]

1326
00:48:33,277 --> 00:48:36,045
Very cool.

1327
00:48:36,146 --> 00:48:37,847
Mm-hmm, And somebody brought
Chico's Tacos too.

1328
00:48:37,948 --> 00:48:40,316
I thought that was great.

1329
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,619
[applause and cheering]
Mm-hmm.

1330
00:48:43,720 --> 00:48:45,922
Now, you guys here know
what I'm talking about,

1331
00:48:46,023 --> 00:48:47,957
but everybody that's watching
at home, they're, like,

1332
00:48:48,058 --> 00:48:50,126
"Chico's Tacos?
What the hell's that?"

1333
00:48:50,227 --> 00:48:52,261
It's an El Paso tradition.

1334
00:48:52,362 --> 00:48:53,930
If you come to El Paso...

1335
00:48:54,031 --> 00:48:56,032
[cheering, applause
and whistling]

1336
00:48:58,702 --> 00:49:02,371
Just know that that's,
you know, that's right here.

1337
00:49:02,472 --> 00:49:03,806
That's, you know...

1338
00:49:03,907 --> 00:49:05,041
That's the tradition
in El Paso.

1339
00:49:05,142 --> 00:49:06,475
I ran into people
in other places

1340
00:49:06,576 --> 00:49:07,643
like Chicago or New York.

1341
00:49:07,744 --> 00:49:08,844
I'm, like, "Where you from?"

1342
00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,413
"El Paso," and I said,
"Chico's Tacos,"

1343
00:49:10,514 --> 00:49:12,014
and they're like...
[gasps]

1344
00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:14,016
Like, wow. Yeah.

1345
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:15,384
That's hardcore.

1346
00:49:15,485 --> 00:49:18,854
It is the craziest food
I've ever tried, you guys.

1347
00:49:18,956 --> 00:49:20,356
Craziest ever.

1348
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:21,557
Reason is, you know,

1349
00:49:21,658 --> 00:49:23,159
they give you
these little taquitos,

1350
00:49:23,260 --> 00:49:25,261
and there's, like, a sauce,
and you pour it.

1351
00:49:25,362 --> 00:49:27,997
And, like, the taquitos float,
and it absorbs and...

1352
00:49:28,098 --> 00:49:31,867
I never thought I'd see the day
where I could drink a taco.

1353
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:33,703
[laughter]

1354
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:34,904
Mm.

1355
00:49:35,005 --> 00:49:36,105
Yeah.

1356
00:49:36,206 --> 00:49:39,308
And you got to have that
at the end of the night.

1357
00:49:39,409 --> 00:49:41,410
Don't try to freakin' plan out
events after going, you know.

1358
00:49:41,511 --> 00:49:42,945
Don't say, "Oh, we're going
to eat at Chico's

1359
00:49:43,046 --> 00:49:44,146
and then go to the movies."

1360
00:49:44,247 --> 00:49:45,381
No, don't do that.
Don't do that.

1361
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:46,649
You'll be sitting there,
like, you know,

1362
00:49:46,750 --> 00:49:48,017
"Hey, this is a good movie, huh?

1363
00:49:48,118 --> 00:49:50,019
This is the one where
Nicolas Cage comes out and..."

1364
00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:52,154
[loud stomach grumbling]

1365
00:49:52,255 --> 00:49:54,523
"Anyway, he plays the bad guy
in this movie,

1366
00:49:54,624 --> 00:49:56,092
and it turns out really good."

1367
00:49:56,193 --> 00:49:58,527
[stomach grumbling]

1368
00:49:58,628 --> 00:49:59,762
Then all of a sudden...

1369
00:49:59,863 --> 00:50:00,997
[puffing]

1370
00:50:01,098 --> 00:50:02,198
[laughter]

1371
00:50:02,299 --> 00:50:03,432
[rumbling]

1372
00:50:03,533 --> 00:50:04,867
[high-pitched screech]

1373
00:50:04,968 --> 00:50:07,069
[laughter and applause]

1374
00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:08,371
[high-pitched screech]

1375
00:50:08,472 --> 00:50:09,805
You're running by people.

1376
00:50:09,906 --> 00:50:11,073
[rumbling]

1377
00:50:11,174 --> 00:50:12,375
They're, like... [sniffing]

1378
00:50:12,476 --> 00:50:14,243
"Chico's."

1379
00:50:14,344 --> 00:50:16,345
[laughter and applause]
Mm-hmm.

1380
00:50:17,714 --> 00:50:19,615
An El Paso tradition.

1381
00:50:19,716 --> 00:50:22,318
[applause, cheering
and whistling]

1382
00:50:22,419 --> 00:50:26,455
You know what's funny?

1383
00:50:26,556 --> 00:50:28,290
Is that a year from now,

1384
00:50:28,392 --> 00:50:30,626
they'll be people watching this
all over the world.

1385
00:50:30,727 --> 00:50:33,262
Just, like, the first DVDs
in Canada, Australia and Europe.

1386
00:50:33,363 --> 00:50:35,464
This DVD will wind up
somewhere in Australia.

1387
00:50:35,565 --> 00:50:37,166
And they'll be people
in Australia going,

1388
00:50:37,267 --> 00:50:38,401
"What the hell's Chico's?"

1389
00:50:38,502 --> 00:50:39,668
[laughter]

1390
00:50:39,770 --> 00:50:41,937
"Crikey, we got to go.
We got to see Chico's."

1391
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:43,105
You watch, man.

1392
00:50:43,206 --> 00:50:44,807
There'll be people freaking out.

1393
00:50:44,908 --> 00:50:46,942
[British accent]
"I say, we must go try Chico's."

1394
00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,144
[laughter]

1395
00:50:48,245 --> 00:50:49,311
"It sounds splendid."

1396
00:50:49,413 --> 00:50:50,479
"Yes, it does."

1397
00:50:50,580 --> 00:50:51,647
"Drink a taco.

1398
00:50:51,748 --> 00:50:53,049
"I never thought
I'd see the day.

1399
00:50:53,150 --> 00:50:54,283
"I'm going to try it.

1400
00:50:54,384 --> 00:50:56,519
El Paso it is."

1401
00:50:56,620 --> 00:50:58,220
Oh, man.

1402
00:50:58,321 --> 00:51:00,456
But, no. I got Chico's Tacos
and cakes.

1403
00:51:00,557 --> 00:51:01,624
[cheering]

1404
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:03,292
You know?

1405
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:06,328
One night at one show,

1406
00:51:06,430 --> 00:51:09,198
I received 1 1 chocolate cakes.

1407
00:51:09,299 --> 00:51:11,634
And it was local,
so I took 'em home.

1408
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,269
And that is an argument

1409
00:51:13,370 --> 00:51:15,404
that nobody in this building
has ever had

1410
00:51:15,505 --> 00:51:16,972
at 3:00 in the morning.

1411
00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,742
'Cause you don't just walk
into the house with 1 1 cakes.

1412
00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:20,943
You make some noise.

1413
00:51:21,044 --> 00:51:22,178
You know.

1414
00:51:22,279 --> 00:51:24,814
[imitates doors slamming open
and footsteps]

1415
00:51:26,850 --> 00:51:28,884
And I walk in
with the last two cakes,

1416
00:51:28,985 --> 00:51:30,319
and my girlfriend's
in the kitchen.

1417
00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:32,154
And she's, like,
"What the hell is this?!"

1418
00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:33,956
I'm trying to be cute.
"It's a bakery."

1419
00:51:34,057 --> 00:51:36,058
[laughter and applause]

1420
00:51:37,994 --> 00:51:39,895
"Where did you get
all this cake?"

1421
00:51:39,996 --> 00:51:42,598
I said, "Baby, the people
at the show brought it."

1422
00:51:42,699 --> 00:51:44,867
"Are you gonna eat all of it?"

1423
00:51:44,968 --> 00:51:46,535
"Eventually.

1424
00:51:46,636 --> 00:51:49,305
I'm not gonna do it
in one hit, you know?"

1425
00:51:49,406 --> 00:51:51,440
Freaking two hours later.
"Clear!"

1426
00:51:53,443 --> 00:51:54,944
[laughter]

1427
00:51:55,045 --> 00:51:58,380
"How do you know someone
isn't trying to poison you?"

1428
00:51:58,482 --> 00:51:59,748
"With cake?
Are you serious?"

1429
00:51:59,850 --> 00:52:01,684
It's, like,
you live by the cake,

1430
00:52:01,785 --> 00:52:03,886
you die by the cake, you know?

1431
00:52:03,987 --> 00:52:05,221
No.

1432
00:52:05,322 --> 00:52:06,489
Uh-uh.

1433
00:52:06,590 --> 00:52:08,958
So we're going back
and forth, right?

1434
00:52:09,059 --> 00:52:10,359
We wake up Frankie,

1435
00:52:10,460 --> 00:52:11,927
and Frankie walks
into the kitchen

1436
00:52:12,028 --> 00:52:14,130
at 3:00 in the morning,
and he's, all...

1437
00:52:14,231 --> 00:52:16,398
[mumbling]

1438
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:21,604
"Where did all the cake
come from?"

1439
00:52:21,705 --> 00:52:23,772
"The people
at the show brought it."

1440
00:52:23,874 --> 00:52:25,341
"Tell 'em I said thank you."

1441
00:52:25,442 --> 00:52:28,043
"I'll tell 'em
you said thank you, Frankie."

1442
00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:29,812
"Gabriel, how come
they bring you cake?"

1443
00:52:29,913 --> 00:52:32,515
'"Cause ten years ago,
I did a joke where I said,

1444
00:52:32,616 --> 00:52:34,583
'"I love chocolate cake.'

1445
00:52:34,684 --> 00:52:36,152
Now people bring me cake."

1446
00:52:36,253 --> 00:52:38,287
"You should say
you love Transformers."

1447
00:52:38,388 --> 00:52:39,889
[laughter]

1448
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,624
I'll start doing it, all right?

1449
00:52:41,725 --> 00:52:43,325
So my girl's, like,
"Baby, put Frankie to bed."

1450
00:52:43,426 --> 00:52:45,227
I go, "Frankie,
you got to go back to sleep."

1451
00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:46,795
[grunting]
"Want some cake?"

1452
00:52:46,897 --> 00:52:48,197
"Yeah."

1453
00:52:48,298 --> 00:52:50,533
So I grab one of these tiny
cakes that somebody brought me.

1454
00:52:50,634 --> 00:52:51,901
One of those little tiny ones

1455
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,069
that has the plastic cover
and the sticker on the side.

1456
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:55,771
And I handed to him.
I go, "Here."

1457
00:52:55,872 --> 00:52:57,173
He goes, "A little piece?"

1458
00:52:57,274 --> 00:52:59,275
I go, "Dude, it's a small cake.

1459
00:52:59,376 --> 00:53:01,277
You can have the whole thing."

1460
00:53:01,378 --> 00:53:03,279
And the look
that came over his face

1461
00:53:03,380 --> 00:53:07,183
at 3:00 in the morning
was like he got a gift from God.

1462
00:53:07,284 --> 00:53:08,584
[laughter]

1463
00:53:08,685 --> 00:53:10,386
I said, "Here,"
and he was, like....

1464
00:53:10,487 --> 00:53:12,855
[humming reverential
religious tune]

1465
00:53:16,126 --> 00:53:18,027
[applause, cheering
and laughter]

1466
00:53:18,128 --> 00:53:20,129
[whistling and applause]

1467
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:23,599
"Take it to your room."

1468
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,901
[singing in Latin]

1469
00:53:26,002 --> 00:53:28,003
[laughter and applause]

1470
00:53:34,044 --> 00:53:36,745
I went to go take him
to school the next morning.

1471
00:53:36,846 --> 00:53:38,614
He's in the bathroom crying.

1472
00:53:38,715 --> 00:53:40,115
[imitates sobbing]

1473
00:53:40,217 --> 00:53:41,617
"Hey, are you okay?"

1474
00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:43,052
"Oh, my stomach!"

1475
00:53:43,153 --> 00:53:44,253
"Your stomach?

1476
00:53:44,354 --> 00:53:45,487
Too much cake?"

1477
00:53:45,589 --> 00:53:46,722
"Yeah."

1478
00:53:46,823 --> 00:53:48,023
"Was it good?"

1479
00:53:48,124 --> 00:53:49,291
"Hell, yeah."

1480
00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:50,859
"I'll see you in the car."

1481
00:53:50,961 --> 00:53:52,962
20 minutes later,
he comes to the car,

1482
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:54,230
and he's all sweaty.

1483
00:53:54,331 --> 00:53:55,664
[breathing heavily]

1484
00:53:55,765 --> 00:53:57,032
"You all right? What happened?"

1485
00:53:57,133 --> 00:53:58,234
"I blew it up."

1486
00:53:58,335 --> 00:53:59,401
"Get in the car."

1487
00:53:59,502 --> 00:54:01,036
[imitates engine revving]

1488
00:54:01,137 --> 00:54:03,339
I get him to school
45 minutes late.

1489
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,474
Usually, when I drop him off,
you guys,

1490
00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:07,710
I leave him on the side
of the school,

1491
00:54:07,811 --> 00:54:09,411
and they have, like,
a drop-off zone

1492
00:54:09,512 --> 00:54:11,247
with cones and a supervisor

1493
00:54:11,348 --> 00:54:13,549
to make sure
that your kid gets off safely.

1494
00:54:13,650 --> 00:54:15,684
When you're 45 minutes late,
there's nobody there,

1495
00:54:15,785 --> 00:54:18,053
so I left him
in front of the school.

1496
00:54:18,154 --> 00:54:19,355
And apparently, that's a no-no.

1497
00:54:19,456 --> 00:54:20,889
You're not supposed to do that.

1498
00:54:20,991 --> 00:54:22,258
I didn't know, you know?

1499
00:54:22,359 --> 00:54:23,459
[engine purring, tires squeal]

1500
00:54:23,560 --> 00:54:24,693
"Go for it."

1501
00:54:24,794 --> 00:54:26,228
"I'm not supposed to..."

1502
00:54:26,329 --> 00:54:28,297
"I know, dude. Just go.
You're late. Go."

1503
00:54:28,398 --> 00:54:29,765
[grunting]

1504
00:54:29,866 --> 00:54:31,066
[door closes, squeaking]

1505
00:54:31,167 --> 00:54:32,768
Out of nowhere,
here comes the principal.

1506
00:54:32,869 --> 00:54:34,903
And I know it's the principal,
'cause he's, like,

1507
00:54:35,005 --> 00:54:36,372
"It's the principal!
It's the principal!

1508
00:54:36,473 --> 00:54:37,806
It's the principal!
It's the principal!"

1509
00:54:37,907 --> 00:54:40,442
"Dude, relax. I'm 30.
I don't give a damn."

1510
00:54:40,543 --> 00:54:42,344
Here comes the principal.

1511
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:46,749
"Sir? Sir, this is not
the designated drop-off area.

1512
00:54:46,850 --> 00:54:49,952
"Please take your child to
the other side of the school.

1513
00:54:50,053 --> 00:54:51,954
You cannot leave him here."

1514
00:54:52,055 --> 00:54:53,155
I was, like...

1515
00:54:53,256 --> 00:54:55,024
[whispering]
"Watch this."

1516
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,358
Senora...

1517
00:54:56,459 --> 00:54:58,661
[speaking Spanish]

1518
00:54:58,762 --> 00:55:00,763
[laughter]

1519
00:55:04,267 --> 00:55:06,835
[applause, cheering
and laughter]

1520
00:55:06,936 --> 00:55:08,671
"That's how you do it, homeboy.

1521
00:55:08,772 --> 00:55:10,039
That's how you do it."

1522
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:13,342
That principal was amazing,
'cause she was, like,

1523
00:55:13,443 --> 00:55:16,378
"Usted no puede
dejar su hijo aqui.

1524
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:20,649
"Saca la huelta a la otro lado
de Ia escueIa.

1525
00:55:20,750 --> 00:55:24,320
"Aya, si, si,
aqui, no, no.

1526
00:55:24,421 --> 00:55:27,790
"Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no.

1527
00:55:27,891 --> 00:55:31,026
Yo no soy pendeja."

1528
00:55:31,127 --> 00:55:33,362
[applause, cheering
and laughter]

1529
00:55:40,870 --> 00:55:42,338
Did that really happen?

1530
00:55:42,439 --> 00:55:43,639
Yes.

1531
00:55:43,740 --> 00:55:45,140
Mm-hmm.

1532
00:55:45,241 --> 00:55:47,710
I felt so bad 'cause when
I picked up Frankie, he's like,

1533
00:55:47,811 --> 00:55:48,877
"The principal yelled at me."

1534
00:55:48,978 --> 00:55:49,878
I'm like, "I'm sorry."

1535
00:55:49,979 --> 00:55:50,913
"I'm gonna tell my mom."

1536
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:52,781
"No.

1537
00:55:52,882 --> 00:55:54,083
It's all right, dude."

1538
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,151
We're having a good time
right now with his mom.

1539
00:55:56,252 --> 00:55:57,386
And it sucks, you guys,

1540
00:55:57,487 --> 00:55:59,288
'cause we got into a fight
that weekend.

1541
00:55:59,389 --> 00:56:01,590
Eh... it was not too big,

1542
00:56:01,691 --> 00:56:04,126
but it was, like, it was---
it could have been prevented.

1543
00:56:04,227 --> 00:56:07,062
My girlfriend's backing
the car up out of the driveway,

1544
00:56:07,163 --> 00:56:08,397
and somebody had left,
like, this---

1545
00:56:08,498 --> 00:56:09,498
I guess they were moving,

1546
00:56:09,599 --> 00:56:12,167
and they left this big box
behind the car,

1547
00:56:12,268 --> 00:56:13,369
and my girlfriend's backing up,

1548
00:56:13,470 --> 00:56:15,337
and I go,
"Baby, baby, there's a box."

1549
00:56:15,438 --> 00:56:16,338
"I got it."

1550
00:56:16,439 --> 00:56:17,506
[crashing sound]

1551
00:56:17,607 --> 00:56:18,640
[laughter]

1552
00:56:18,742 --> 00:56:19,908
Even Frankie was like,

1553
00:56:20,009 --> 00:56:21,877
"Mom, he told you
there was a box right there."

1554
00:56:21,978 --> 00:56:23,278
"Shut up!"

1555
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,914
So we get inside the house,
and I looked at her and I said,

1556
00:56:26,015 --> 00:56:28,517
"What the hell is your problem?"

1557
00:56:28,618 --> 00:56:30,419
And sure enough,
Frankie walks up.

1558
00:56:30,520 --> 00:56:31,854
[whimpering
"You guys are going to fight."

1559
00:56:31,955 --> 00:56:33,422
I'm like, "Oh, shoot---
no, no, no, I'm sorry, Frankie.

1560
00:56:33,523 --> 00:56:34,423
We're not fighting."

1561
00:56:34,524 --> 00:56:35,424
"You're yelling at my mom."

1562
00:56:35,525 --> 00:56:36,792
"No, no, no, no, no,
I love your mom.

1563
00:56:36,893 --> 00:56:38,827
She just didn't hear me."

1564
00:56:38,928 --> 00:56:39,862
"You're not mad at her?"

1565
00:56:39,963 --> 00:56:40,929
"No, I'm not mad at your mom.

1566
00:56:41,030 --> 00:56:42,664
"Baby, I love you, I love you.

1567
00:56:42,766 --> 00:56:44,299
See, I love your mom---
I love you."

1568
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:45,467
[kissing]

1569
00:56:45,568 --> 00:56:46,769
"I love your mom;
everything's cool.

1570
00:56:46,870 --> 00:56:48,303
"You want to go play
some video games or something?

1571
00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:50,239
Come on, I'll go play with you."
"Okay." "Okay, come on.

1572
00:56:50,340 --> 00:56:51,907
I'm not mad at your mom,
dude, come on, let's go.

1573
00:56:52,008 --> 00:56:53,175
Say bye to your mom."
"Bye, Mom."

1574
00:56:53,276 --> 00:56:54,443
"Come on, let's go,
come on, we're cool.

1575
00:56:54,544 --> 00:56:55,811
I'm not mad at her;
come on, let's go."

1576
00:56:55,912 --> 00:56:58,213
[mouthing]

1577
00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:02,718
"Come on, let's go."

1578
00:57:02,819 --> 00:57:04,586
See, some of you are laughing,
some are like,

1579
00:57:04,687 --> 00:57:06,588
"Did---
can he really say that?"

1580
00:57:06,689 --> 00:57:09,358
[laughing]
I snuck it in there, huh?

1581
00:57:09,459 --> 00:57:10,526
[sighs]

1582
00:57:10,627 --> 00:57:12,127
No, no fighting.

1583
00:57:12,228 --> 00:57:14,797
But I had to make up the fact
that I yelled at Frankie.

1584
00:57:14,898 --> 00:57:17,199
I go, "Frankie, whatever
you want to do, let's do it."

1585
00:57:17,300 --> 00:57:18,634
"Gabriel, can we go
to an arcade?"

1586
00:57:18,735 --> 00:57:19,802
"Arcade?

1587
00:57:19,903 --> 00:57:22,838
Dude, you have a Nintendo Wii
at your house."

1588
00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:25,073
And then I had a flashback
to 20 years ago.

1589
00:57:25,175 --> 00:57:26,308
[in shrill voice]
"¿Que, que? Arcade?

1590
00:57:26,409 --> 00:57:28,177
"Cabron, tu tienes
un Nintendo en la casa.

1591
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,112
You have a Nintendo at home."

1592
00:57:30,213 --> 00:57:32,815
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I'm turning into my mom.

1593
00:57:32,916 --> 00:57:33,849
Come on, dude, let's go."

1594
00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:35,350
[imitates engine]

1595
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:38,253
I take him to this big old
freaking arcade, right?

1596
00:57:38,354 --> 00:57:40,522
And I felt so out of it
because I didn't know

1597
00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:43,058
you couldn't put money
in the machines anymore.

1598
00:57:43,159 --> 00:57:44,526
I'm---
Man, I remember quarters.

1599
00:57:44,627 --> 00:57:45,594
I'm thinking,
"Here, five bucks,"

1600
00:57:45,695 --> 00:57:46,662
and he's, like,
looking at me like,

1601
00:57:46,763 --> 00:57:48,497
"Hmm?"

1602
00:57:48,598 --> 00:57:49,565
"What? Go play,"

1603
00:57:49,666 --> 00:57:50,866
and he's like---
he came right back.

1604
00:57:50,967 --> 00:57:51,967
"All done."
I'm like, "Dude."

1605
00:57:52,068 --> 00:57:53,235
I didn't know this.

1606
00:57:53,336 --> 00:57:54,670
You have to go
to another machine,

1607
00:57:54,771 --> 00:57:56,638
put in money,
and then it gives you a card,

1608
00:57:56,739 --> 00:57:59,141
and then you swipe that card
to play video games.

1609
00:57:59,242 --> 00:58:01,810
And the game he wants to play
doesn't cost a quarter.

1610
00:58:01,911 --> 00:58:03,479
It costs three dollars.

1611
00:58:03,580 --> 00:58:04,713
A game.

1612
00:58:04,814 --> 00:58:06,982
Big old machine called
Dance Dance Revolution.

1613
00:58:07,083 --> 00:58:07,983
[light cheering]

1614
00:58:08,084 --> 00:58:08,984
Some of you know this game?

1615
00:58:09,085 --> 00:58:10,552
Yeah, maybe, sort of.

1616
00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:13,155
For those of you that don't know
the game, it's pretty simple.

1617
00:58:13,256 --> 00:58:15,023
It's a dancing game,
and there's a big screen

1618
00:58:15,124 --> 00:58:16,391
and then arrows come out
to music,

1619
00:58:16,493 --> 00:58:17,860
and whatever arrow comes out,

1620
00:58:17,961 --> 00:58:21,597
that's the arrow you have
to step on when it comes out.

1621
00:58:21,698 --> 00:58:24,700
Kind of cool,
but all the music is techno

1622
00:58:24,801 --> 00:58:26,368
and it's loud.

1623
00:58:26,469 --> 00:58:28,003
I know I'm getting older
'cause I'm like,

1624
00:58:28,104 --> 00:58:30,138
"They got to turn that down."

1625
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:32,674
[as male announcer] "Dance
Dance Revolution Revolution.

1626
00:58:32,775 --> 00:58:33,809
Get ready."

1627
00:58:33,910 --> 00:58:35,244
And the kids are like,
"I'm ready."

1628
00:58:35,345 --> 00:58:37,112
"Select music."

1629
00:58:37,213 --> 00:58:40,482
[beatboxing techno]

1630
00:58:40,583 --> 00:58:41,483
[light cheering]

1631
00:58:41,584 --> 00:58:42,851
And that's what they dance to.

1632
00:58:42,952 --> 00:58:44,386
"Ready, go!"

1633
00:58:44,487 --> 00:58:47,422
[beatboxing techno]

1634
00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:49,892
[audience cheering]

1635
00:58:56,466 --> 00:58:59,067
"Perfect."
And the kid's like, "Whoo!"

1636
00:58:59,168 --> 00:59:03,438
And I'm like...
[panting]

1637
00:59:04,507 --> 00:59:06,408
I love this game,

1638
00:59:06,509 --> 00:59:09,344
but they need to have something
that's more fluffy-friendly,

1639
00:59:09,445 --> 00:59:12,514
so that fluffy people
and parents can hang and enjoy.

1640
00:59:12,615 --> 00:59:15,617
We're watching this game
for over an hour.

1641
00:59:15,718 --> 00:59:17,352
I told Frankie,
"Let's go play another game

1642
00:59:17,453 --> 00:59:19,922
and then we'll come back
when the line goes down."

1643
00:59:20,023 --> 00:59:21,623
"The line never goes down."

1644
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:22,824
Great.

1645
00:59:22,926 --> 00:59:25,827
So I'm watching kid
after kid after kid.

1646
00:59:25,929 --> 00:59:29,364
You know, like, "Serious?

1647
00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:30,732
How much is it?"

1648
00:59:30,833 --> 00:59:32,067
"It's three dollars a dance."

1649
00:59:32,168 --> 00:59:33,569
"Three dollars a dance?"

1650
00:59:33,670 --> 00:59:34,803
And then I thought about it.

1651
00:59:34,904 --> 00:59:37,472
Well, I paid $20
two nights ago, so...

1652
00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:39,141
I guess three dollars
isn't that bad.

1653
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:40,242
[laughs]

1654
00:59:40,343 --> 00:59:43,445
Now that I think about it.

1655
00:59:43,546 --> 00:59:45,080
Some of you are clapping,
some are like,

1656
00:59:45,181 --> 00:59:46,715
"I don't get it."

1657
00:59:46,816 --> 00:59:49,818
Yeah, whatever, anyway.

1658
00:59:50,820 --> 00:59:51,920
So kid after kid.

1659
00:59:52,021 --> 00:59:54,690
Then I found something out.

1660
00:59:54,791 --> 00:59:58,460
You can always spot that one kid
who you just know

1661
00:59:58,561 --> 01:00:00,729
is going to grow up
to be a little bit more...

1662
01:00:00,830 --> 01:00:03,565
creative...

1663
01:00:03,666 --> 01:00:05,934
than others
by the way he plays the game.

1664
01:00:06,035 --> 01:00:08,070
And all the other little kids---
they know something's up.

1665
01:00:08,171 --> 01:00:09,237
They're like, "You got to watch.

1666
01:00:09,339 --> 01:00:10,939
"When Benji plays,
you got to watch.

1667
01:00:11,040 --> 01:00:12,541
Watch."

1668
01:00:12,642 --> 01:00:14,476
Sure enough,
here comes Benji, right?

1669
01:00:14,577 --> 01:00:16,211
"Dance Dance Revolution.

1670
01:00:16,312 --> 01:00:17,346
Get ready."

1671
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:19,748
[in effeminate voice]
"I'm so ready."

1672
01:00:19,849 --> 01:00:24,486
I'm like, "Whoa...
oh, it's on."

1673
01:00:24,587 --> 01:00:26,021
"Select music."

1674
01:00:26,122 --> 01:00:29,524
[beatboxing techno]

1675
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:30,959
"Ready, go!"

1676
01:00:31,060 --> 01:00:32,594
This dude took off.

1677
01:00:32,695 --> 01:00:35,697
[beatboxing techno]

1678
01:00:44,273 --> 01:00:46,274
[audience cheering]

1679
01:00:48,945 --> 01:00:50,846
"Perfect."

1680
01:00:50,947 --> 01:00:52,681
"I know."

1681
01:00:52,782 --> 01:00:54,349
I'm like, "Wow."

1682
01:00:54,450 --> 01:00:55,517
Frankie's like, "I'm next."

1683
01:00:55,618 --> 01:00:57,119
I go, "You can't follow that.

1684
01:00:57,220 --> 01:00:59,287
"You better come over here and
play some Street Fighter, man.

1685
01:00:59,389 --> 01:01:00,756
"Let me show you
how to throw a fireball.

1686
01:01:00,857 --> 01:01:02,491
Get your butt over here."

1687
01:01:02,592 --> 01:01:04,860
Oh, my God.

1688
01:01:04,961 --> 01:01:07,229
I had to make it up to him
another way.

1689
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:08,330
I had to take him...

1690
01:01:08,431 --> 01:01:10,799
to Disneyland.

1691
01:01:10,900 --> 01:01:12,668
I stopped going to Disneyland
a long time ago.

1692
01:01:12,769 --> 01:01:13,835
Because you know what?

1693
01:01:13,936 --> 01:01:17,205
Those roller coasters
are not fluffy-friendly.

1694
01:01:17,306 --> 01:01:18,407
Disney cares.

1695
01:01:18,508 --> 01:01:19,708
That's why there's safety there.

1696
01:01:19,809 --> 01:01:21,610
You know, they have
all those different harnesses.

1697
01:01:21,711 --> 01:01:25,681
And if you're over 300 pounds,
just stay in the parking lot.

1698
01:01:25,782 --> 01:01:27,449
You know, 'cause they got
the whole, you know...

1699
01:01:27,550 --> 01:01:31,953
[clicking]

1700
01:01:32,055 --> 01:01:33,989
You're fluffy, forget it.

1701
01:01:34,090 --> 01:01:36,992
That's why I love
a ghetto-ass carnival.

1702
01:01:37,093 --> 01:01:39,594
You know, those ones
they build in, like, six hours?

1703
01:01:39,696 --> 01:01:41,963
I can still ride
those roller coasters.

1704
01:01:42,065 --> 01:01:44,032
It's only one bar,
three clicks, that's it.

1705
01:01:44,133 --> 01:01:45,067
If it locks, good.

1706
01:01:45,168 --> 01:01:47,669
If it doesn't, "Hold on!"

1707
01:01:47,770 --> 01:01:50,372
[hissing, clicking]

1708
01:01:50,473 --> 01:01:51,907
Plus, fluffy people never fall.

1709
01:01:52,008 --> 01:01:52,908
We never fall.

1710
01:01:53,009 --> 01:01:54,042
You know who falls?

1711
01:01:54,143 --> 01:01:55,777
The skinny guy
that got stuck next to us.

1712
01:01:55,878 --> 01:01:57,512
[laughter]

1713
01:01:57,613 --> 01:01:59,448
That's who...
[screams]

1714
01:01:59,549 --> 01:02:00,449
More room.

1715
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:03,852
[laughs]

1716
01:02:03,953 --> 01:02:05,487
But me and Disney, no.

1717
01:02:05,588 --> 01:02:06,555
No mas.

1718
01:02:06,656 --> 01:02:09,291
But I had to
because I messed up.

1719
01:02:09,392 --> 01:02:11,960
I fell asleep on the couch,
and I woke up all, you know...

1720
01:02:12,061 --> 01:02:12,994
[groaning]

1721
01:02:13,096 --> 01:02:14,496
...and Frankie was watching TV.

1722
01:02:14,597 --> 01:02:18,734
He goes, "Look, Gabriel,
look, Disneyland."

1723
01:02:18,835 --> 01:02:20,902
And I was like, "Dude,
what's the big deal, okay?

1724
01:02:21,003 --> 01:02:21,903
"It's Disneyland.

1725
01:02:22,004 --> 01:02:24,172
What, you've never gone?"

1726
01:02:25,208 --> 01:02:28,477
all: Aw...

1727
01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:31,747
- "My dad never took me."

1728
01:02:31,848 --> 01:02:34,783
Oh, mother...

1729
01:02:35,785 --> 01:02:36,685
Next morning...

1730
01:02:36,786 --> 01:02:38,019
[whirring]

1731
01:02:38,121 --> 01:02:39,020
[brakes screeching]

1732
01:02:39,122 --> 01:02:40,188
[hissing]

1733
01:02:40,289 --> 01:02:42,224
"Welcome to the magical world
of Disney."

1734
01:02:42,325 --> 01:02:45,026
We walk in the park;
he's all happy.

1735
01:02:45,128 --> 01:02:46,895
[laughs]

1736
01:02:46,996 --> 01:02:49,397
We get into the middle
of the park, and he's so funny.

1737
01:02:49,499 --> 01:02:51,199
He starts getting winded.

1738
01:02:51,300 --> 01:02:54,169
I thought it was hysterical
because up until then,

1739
01:02:54,270 --> 01:02:56,037
I only saw myself get like that,
you know.

1740
01:02:56,139 --> 01:02:58,573
[panting]

1741
01:02:58,674 --> 01:03:00,075
So to see
a little ten-year-old version...

1742
01:03:00,176 --> 01:03:01,643
[high-pitched panting]

1743
01:03:01,744 --> 01:03:02,744
[shrieks]

1744
01:03:02,845 --> 01:03:04,312
[laughing]
Hysterical. I was dying.

1745
01:03:04,413 --> 01:03:06,181
I go, "Frankie,
you want to take a break?"

1746
01:03:06,282 --> 01:03:08,683
"Mm-hmm, Gabriel,
this park is big."

1747
01:03:08,785 --> 01:03:09,951
I'm like, "See?

1748
01:03:10,052 --> 01:03:13,121
"It's not a small world
after all.

1749
01:03:13,222 --> 01:03:15,290
Like, whatever, dude, sit down."

1750
01:03:15,391 --> 01:03:17,325
So we're sitting down, waiting.

1751
01:03:17,426 --> 01:03:19,961
All of a sudden, I start getting
recognized at Disneyland,

1752
01:03:20,062 --> 01:03:21,196
and that, for me, was cool.

1753
01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:22,564
You know,
people were walking by.

1754
01:03:22,665 --> 01:03:24,800
[indistinct whispering]

1755
01:03:24,901 --> 01:03:26,668
"Fluffy, can we take a picture?"

1756
01:03:26,769 --> 01:03:27,803
"Sure."

1757
01:03:27,904 --> 01:03:29,604
[whooshing]
And then... more people.

1758
01:03:29,705 --> 01:03:30,939
"It's him."

1759
01:03:31,040 --> 01:03:32,574
"It's that guy."

1760
01:03:32,675 --> 01:03:33,975
"Pikachu."

1761
01:03:34,076 --> 01:03:35,610
Now I have, like,
ten people around me

1762
01:03:35,711 --> 01:03:37,746
like I'm a new character
at the park.

1763
01:03:37,847 --> 01:03:39,681
Best part is
Frankie starts getting annoyed.

1764
01:03:39,782 --> 01:03:41,116
He's like...

1765
01:03:41,217 --> 01:03:43,685
[groaning] "Why don't
they leave you alone?"

1766
01:03:43,786 --> 01:03:46,254
"Frankie, these are the people
that come to the shows.

1767
01:03:46,355 --> 01:03:49,124
They're the reason
why you have a PlayStation."

1768
01:03:49,225 --> 01:03:50,559
[exhaling]

1769
01:03:50,660 --> 01:03:53,595
[as Frankie]
"Thank you."

1770
01:03:53,696 --> 01:03:55,764
"Here, now, start taking
the pictures."

1771
01:03:55,865 --> 01:03:56,865
[laughs]

1772
01:03:56,966 --> 01:03:58,099
So I told Frankie,

1773
01:03:58,201 --> 01:03:59,467
"Frankie, what ride
are you going to get on?"

1774
01:03:59,569 --> 01:04:00,502
"Ride?"
"Yeah.

1775
01:04:00,603 --> 01:04:02,003
What ride do you want
to get on?"

1776
01:04:02,104 --> 01:04:04,906
"I don't want to get on a ride."

1777
01:04:05,007 --> 01:04:07,475
"What the hell are we doing
at Disneyland?"

1778
01:04:07,577 --> 01:04:09,377
"The commercial said
that Disneyland is

1779
01:04:09,478 --> 01:04:11,813
the happiest place on Earth."

1780
01:04:11,914 --> 01:04:14,216
"Oh, my God.

1781
01:04:14,317 --> 01:04:16,484
"That's IHOP.

1782
01:04:17,486 --> 01:04:20,021
The hell are we doing here?"

1783
01:04:22,658 --> 01:04:24,993
We're hanging out at IHOP, and,
you know, we started talking,

1784
01:04:25,094 --> 01:04:28,096
and it was kind of like a little
bonding moment because Frankie---

1785
01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:30,765
his dad isn't in the picture and
my dad wasn't in the picture,

1786
01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:32,234
so for some reason, you know,

1787
01:04:32,335 --> 01:04:34,769
we got a little connection
going on and it's pretty cool.

1788
01:04:34,871 --> 01:04:36,838
Frankie told me something,
and it got me right here.

1789
01:04:36,939 --> 01:04:38,640
He goes--- you know,
I'm talking to him.

1790
01:04:38,741 --> 01:04:40,041
I said, "Frankie," I says,

1791
01:04:40,142 --> 01:04:43,278
"do you ever want to, you know,
talk or see your real dad?"

1792
01:04:43,379 --> 01:04:46,448
And he goes,
"You are my real dad."

1793
01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:49,184
I was like, "Oh..."

1794
01:04:49,285 --> 01:04:50,819
And then he followed it up
with this---

1795
01:04:50,920 --> 01:04:53,455
"I want my last name
to be Iglesias."

1796
01:04:53,556 --> 01:04:55,790
[grunting]

1797
01:04:55,892 --> 01:04:57,025
And then his mom walked in.

1798
01:04:57,126 --> 01:04:58,994
"Me too."

1799
01:04:59,095 --> 01:05:01,763
They work together,
they work together.

1800
01:05:01,864 --> 01:05:02,831
I knew it.

1801
01:05:02,932 --> 01:05:03,832
It's a tag team.

1802
01:05:03,933 --> 01:05:05,333
[murmuring]

1803
01:05:06,369 --> 01:05:08,637
Whatever.

1804
01:05:10,406 --> 01:05:13,742
Eh, another time, I took 'em
to IHOP, you guys--- too funny.

1805
01:05:13,843 --> 01:05:15,610
We walk in there,
we got my buddy Noah.

1806
01:05:15,711 --> 01:05:18,747
We went to go eat, tore it up,
walked out into the parking lot,

1807
01:05:18,848 --> 01:05:21,249
and discovered
that my car had been stolen.

1808
01:05:21,350 --> 01:05:22,250
[audience groaning]

1809
01:05:22,351 --> 01:05:23,485
Yeah, uh-huh.

1810
01:05:23,586 --> 01:05:24,486
I was full too.
I'm like...

1811
01:05:24,587 --> 01:05:26,454
[groans]

1812
01:05:26,555 --> 01:05:29,925
"We got to walk."

1813
01:05:30,026 --> 01:05:31,226
My buddy Noah---
he's trying to be helpful.

1814
01:05:31,327 --> 01:05:33,094
He's like, "Gabriel,
don't you have OnStar?"

1815
01:05:33,195 --> 01:05:35,330
I'm like, "Yeah,
but it's in the car, stupid."

1816
01:05:35,431 --> 01:05:37,332
"Well, can't you call
the 800 number?

1817
01:05:37,433 --> 01:05:38,700
Maybe they can track your car."

1818
01:05:38,801 --> 01:05:40,335
I'm like, "Oh, shoot,
Noah, you're a genius."

1819
01:05:40,436 --> 01:05:41,703
So I pull out my cell phone

1820
01:05:41,804 --> 01:05:43,138
and my freaking, you know,
OnStar card,

1821
01:05:43,239 --> 01:05:44,172
and I call 'em up.

1822
01:05:44,273 --> 01:05:45,907
[phone rings]

1823
01:05:46,008 --> 01:05:47,709
[in mechanical female voice]
"OnStar.

1824
01:05:47,810 --> 01:05:50,946
"For OnStar service, press one.

1825
01:05:51,047 --> 01:05:54,115
"Para servicio en espanol,
oprima el numero dos.

1826
01:05:54,216 --> 01:05:56,918
To report a lost
or stolen vehicle, press three."

1827
01:05:57,019 --> 01:05:57,919
[beeps]

1828
01:05:58,020 --> 01:05:59,421
"One moment."

1829
01:05:59,522 --> 01:06:03,525
[imitating Chuck Mangione's
"Feels So Good" trumpet solo ]

1830
01:06:09,231 --> 01:06:11,032
[line rings]

1831
01:06:11,133 --> 01:06:12,067
"Thank you for choosing OnStar.

1832
01:06:12,168 --> 01:06:13,068
"This is Kim speaking.

1833
01:06:13,169 --> 01:06:14,202
How can I help you?"

1834
01:06:14,303 --> 01:06:17,472
"Kim, they just stole my car
from IHOP."

1835
01:06:17,573 --> 01:06:18,473
"I'm very sorry, sir.

1836
01:06:18,574 --> 01:06:19,574
Can I get your OnStar number?"

1837
01:06:19,675 --> 01:06:21,343
"Actually, Kim,
I can't read the card.

1838
01:06:21,444 --> 01:06:22,510
"It's kind of chewed up.

1839
01:06:22,611 --> 01:06:23,945
"Uh, can I give you,
like, a credit card

1840
01:06:24,046 --> 01:06:25,347
or Social Security
or something?"

1841
01:06:25,448 --> 01:06:26,581
"Sir, just give me your name."

1842
01:06:26,682 --> 01:06:28,650
"Okay, my name is
Gabriel Iglesias."

1843
01:06:28,751 --> 01:06:30,752
"Oka---"

1844
01:06:31,787 --> 01:06:36,725
"Hello?

1845
01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:38,760
"Kim?

1846
01:06:38,861 --> 01:06:41,763
Kim?"

1847
01:06:41,864 --> 01:06:44,766
"Do you spell that with an "I"?"

1848
01:06:44,867 --> 01:06:46,868
[cheering, applause]

1849
01:06:51,774 --> 01:06:54,175
[mimics thud]

1850
01:06:54,276 --> 01:06:55,543
[mimics ringing]

1851
01:06:55,644 --> 01:06:56,878
[in female voice]
OnStar.

1852
01:06:56,979 --> 01:06:59,047
For OnStar service press one.

1853
01:06:59,148 --> 01:07:02,050
Para servicio en Espanol
oprima el numero dos.

1854
01:07:02,151 --> 01:07:03,718
One moment.

1855
01:07:03,819 --> 01:07:05,720
Please.

1856
01:07:05,821 --> 01:07:07,722
[laughter]

1857
01:07:07,823 --> 01:07:10,925
[applause, cheering, whistling]

1858
01:07:16,098 --> 01:07:19,100
[imitates trumpet playing
"Mexican Hat Dance"]

1859
01:07:25,441 --> 01:07:27,342
[trumpeting continues]

1860
01:07:27,443 --> 01:07:28,843
[mimics ringing]

1861
01:07:28,944 --> 01:07:31,012
"I speak Spanish too,
motherfucker!"

1862
01:07:31,113 --> 01:07:32,614
[laughter, applause]

1863
01:07:32,715 --> 01:07:34,649
I love you, El Paso.

1864
01:07:34,750 --> 01:07:36,918
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

1865
01:07:37,019 --> 01:07:39,020
["My People" by Kumbia Kings
playing]

1866
01:07:39,121 --> 01:07:41,122
Thank you.
[cheering, applause]

1867
01:07:48,464 --> 01:07:50,498
♪ I suffer, I feel, I laugh ♪

1868
01:07:50,599 --> 01:07:53,935
♪ I cry, I shut up, I scream,
with all my people ♪

1869
01:07:54,036 --> 01:07:56,037
♪ I suffer, I feel, I laugh ♪

1870
01:07:56,138 --> 01:07:59,140
♪ I cry, I shut up, I scream,
why don't they understand me ♪

1871
01:07:59,241 --> 01:08:01,509
♪ Yes, I work from dawn to dusk ♪

1872
01:08:01,610 --> 01:08:04,379
♪ If being honest is
my religion ♪

1873
01:08:04,480 --> 01:08:07,015
♪ I don't need to be told ♪

1874
01:08:07,116 --> 01:08:10,185
♪ What can I do,
no no no ♪

1875
01:08:10,286 --> 01:08:12,954
♪ If I came from far away
to this land ♪

1876
01:08:13,055 --> 01:08:14,689
♪ It was because I had heard
the promise ♪

1877
01:08:14,790 --> 01:08:17,358
♪ That here I would find
the way ♪

1878
01:08:17,460 --> 01:08:20,161
♪ To be able to live better ♪

1879
01:08:20,262 --> 01:08:22,163
♪ I suffer, I feel, I laugh ♪

1880
01:08:22,264 --> 01:08:25,100
♪ I cry, I shut up, I scream,
with all my people ♪

1881
01:08:25,201 --> 01:08:27,102
♪ I suffer, I feel, I laugh ♪

1882
01:08:27,203 --> 01:08:30,672
♪ I cry, I shut up, I scream,
why don't they understand me ♪

1883
01:08:30,773 --> 01:08:32,774
♪ I suffer, I feel, I laugh, I cry ♪

1884
01:08:32,875 --> 01:08:35,810
♪ I shut up, I scream,
with all my people ♪

1885
01:08:35,911 --> 01:08:38,046
♪ I suffer, I feel, I laugh, I cry ♪

1886
01:08:38,147 --> 01:08:41,516
♪ I shut up, I scream,
why don't they understand me ♪

1887
01:08:41,617 --> 01:08:44,552
♪ I want you to understand that
Sweat runs on me too ♪

1888
01:08:44,653 --> 01:08:46,554
♪ That I love my land ♪

1889
01:08:46,655 --> 01:08:50,358
♪ That it hurts me too
the same as you... ♪